


Awake My Soul

by FiveNeedsANap



Series: Sigh No More [2]
Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Female Runner Five, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:15:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29244918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveNeedsANap/pseuds/FiveNeedsANap
Summary: There's no hard reset for life; you can move forward, but you can't erase. With home in flames and your people scattered, maybe it's time to finally face yourself and see what's waiting on the other side.Part 2, following Johanna Walsh through season 2. Mostly canon-compliant, eventual 5am (what, this season?? We'll find out! I mean, *I* know, but you'll find out.). Spoilers for season 1 and through season 2 (I'll tag individual chapters where necessary).
Relationships: Jack Holden/Eugene Woods, Janine De Luca/Simon Lauchlan, Paula Cohen/Maxine Myers, Runner Five/Sam Yao
Series: Sigh No More [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2063334
Comments: 38
Kudos: 9





	1. Prologue: Medicine

_Pick it up;  
_ _Pick it all up, and start again.  
_ _You’ve got a second chance, you could go home, escape it all,  
_ _It’s just irrelevant.  
_ _It’s just medicine._

_You could still be what you want to be,  
_ _What you said you were._

[_Medicine – Daughter_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9sTgQ_GYJY)

Here’s the thing about pain: sooner or later, it’s going to demand to be felt.

And there is so much pain to feel after Abel falls.

No one is a stranger to pain in the zombie apocalypse, but there was something more massive, more communal about everyone losing their home at once. There was room at the base for Janine and the Major alone in the first days before reconstruction began. Everyone else stayed on at New Canton, heads spinning while they adjusted to life alongside people who had been their enemies just hours earlier. There were few tears in those first days; no one could process a loss of that magnitude quickly enough to cry over it.

Residents stumbled around for days on end, as if life at New Canton was just a fugue state from which they expected to wake very soon. People went about their new jobs in unfamiliar uniforms, taking wrong turns down the complex’s many corridors, catching themselves looking over their shoulder for a friend who didn’t survive the rocket launcher.

Slowly, the cracks began to show.

First, a woman whose girlfriend had died started hysterically sobbing during dinner. She was so agitated it took three people to drag her to medical. Then Eugene had screamed at someone who’d accidentally tripped him in a corridor. People would burst into tears with no provocation and become hostile over the smallest infractions. The kids, seeing the adults around them start to break down, became nearly unmanageable. Ed had to be reassigned from maintenance to a job where Molly could stay with him all day, otherwise she was a nonstop tantrum.

The runners were a mess all their own.

Half of them had never returned. One and Thirteen became increasingly codependent with Eleven missing. Four grabbed an extra dessert at dinner to give to Six before remembering her friend was dead. She’d crumpled into a heap right there in the cafeteria and had hardly stopped crying since. With Seven away and Eight dead, Three had appointed himself mediator, something everyone resented, as his usual swagger often bordered on aggression. When he wasn’t trying to end fights between Abel’s runners, he was picking them with New Canton’s.

And Five?

When days passed and it became clear Eight really wasn’t coming home, Five had retreated into her own mind and resolved to do what the other woman had told her to: sit with her trauma. Feel her feelings. Deal with her shit.

It was hard, lonely work.

She found quiet corners to tuck herself into and let the pain do what it wanted, let it rage or cry or numb or confound. She found ways to channel it when she wasn’t in the field. She took advantage of New Canton’s ample training grounds and shooting range, letting her feelings fuel her instead of pushing her body to shut them up. She found a journal on a run and started writing everything she felt in it and immediately burned the pages afterwards. Watching her pain catch fire and vanish was a balm to the wounds that had refused to close when stuffed with temporary fixes like games of Monopoly and mugs of tea and the affection of someone far, far better than her.

She thought Eight would be proud.

Her life in New Canton was compartmentalized; it was the only way to keep the feelings she was forcing herself to feel from drowning her. When it was time to work, she worked, often in silence. Her newfound stoniness earned her the nickname “Ice Queen Five” among New Canton’s runners and left her friends wondering if the woman they knew would ever come back to them.

She knew they needed her, but she was no good to anyone an unpredictable ball of rage and trauma. The guilt was just one more thing to process.

New Canton was safe and secure, but it was not home. The complex was sterile, regimented, and too damned big. There were schedules and rules and committee upon committee of unnecessary bureaucracy. There were places you were expected to be at certain times, a radius of space you were expected to occupy. It was nothing like bright, hopeful Abel.

It was the perfect place to stop pretending that you were fine.

She could still be the person she’d found in Abel, the one she was pretty sure she’d known a long time ago. She just had to work for her. And once she did, maybe she would be what Abel deserved, what her friends deserved.

Maybe she would be what she deserved.

But there was a long way to go. 


	2. Awake My Soul I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S2M1. Content warning for alcohol.

_And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know;  
_ _My weakness I feel I must finally show._

[ _Awake My Soul – Mumford and Sons_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFQVtIiRDuA)

They say misery loves company. And these days, the Abel runners were pretty damn miserable. And they could not escape each other.

The Abel corps had been relegated to a previously-defunct section of the runner barracks. This translated to a large room with not quite enough room for the number of bunkbeds shoved into it. Every Abel runner was expected to share it. Granted, there were fewer of them these days. But that didn’t make the close quarters any more pleasant, especially with no one acting like themselves. True, there were clubs to join and rec rooms to spread out in and other opportunities for distraction and engagement, but that would feel too much like New Canton becoming permanent. So, they banded together in miserable solidarity; they hated each other sometimes, but they all hated New Canton more.

Getting stuffed into the sardine can they called the Abel runner dorms had been extra injurious for Jo. Someone in charge had made an assumption when assigning temporary housing; at first, she’d been in a room with Sam. After three days of sleeping easier next to her best friend, someone had realized the mistake and shunted her off to the runners’ quarters. She wasn’t even sure where they’d stashed Sam, but it wasn’t here with the runners like he’d wanted. She barely saw him these days. In a complex as large as New Canton, there was always work for an operator, and runners weren’t allowed to linger in their comms station. Not that Jo wanted to spend extra time in there, even if that was her only chance to see Sam. Like everywhere else, it was sterile, unfeeling. No half-eaten jars of Marmite, no runner Polaroids tacked around the equipment, no extra chair for her to read in.

What it did have was Nadia. And Jo wanted to be nowhere near her.

Even if they behaved most days, the New Canton runners were still trying to ascertain which of Abel’s runners had worn Lem’s headset; there was an unspoken agreement that everyone pretended as if that had never happened in order to protect Jo. Abel had closed ranks against New Canton. They might snap at each other over stupid things, but they were still a family.

Only Archie, the ebullient Runner 20, crossed lines to spend any time with Abel. It didn’t matter if they wanted her there or not; she was unbothered by the tension and always looking for a good time. And she could find one anywhere, even on the supply run she and Jo had done today. She’d spent the entire return trip making the clouds into friendly shapes. Jo didn’t have the energy for her most days, but it didn’t matter; Archie was plenty talkative for the both of them.

Jo shifted on her bed, a lower bunk in a corner, about as isolated as she could find. Her hair was still drying from her post-run shower. She balanced the journal she’d swiped in her lap as her pen flew over the page, getting all of her thoughts out in a stream-of-consciousness. She checked her watch; she had three minutes of writing time left.

Similar to her attempt to swallow her past when she’d arrived at Abel, she’d swung too far in the opposite direction when finally deciding to address her trauma. There was such a thing as feeling your feelings too much, something she’d quickly realized after spending the first few days in New Canton miserable and alone. So, she’d set boundaries: she could write whenever she wanted, anytime she felt like her feelings might choke her, but she set a timer for ten minutes, and that was that. Anything else she had to say could wait. She’d learned there was a difference between repressing your feelings indefinitely and hitting the snooze button before they overwhelmed you.

Simon flopped onto the bunk across from her with a sigh. She ignored him. He sighed again, this time flicking a headband at her.

She flung it back without looking up. “The hell do you want?”

“I’m bored, Five. Entertain me.”

“Entertain yourself, Three, I’m busy.”

“What, too busy writing in your diary for a friend in need?” She glared at him and he quickly changed his tone. “What are you having feelings about today?”

Simon was the only one who knew about the journal. Much like with Sara, it was hard to keep things from the person whose bunk was over yours.

“Not only will New Canton not give me my gun back, they refuse to let me carry a med kit because I’m not a licensed doctor.”

Simon made a face. “You were practicing without a license?”

“No, idiot, I have a medical license, I’m just not licensed by the great and powerful Oz that is the Permanent Advisory Council. And for them to license me, I’d have to work under one of their doctors for three months. And god help me if I’m still here in three months.”

“Wankers.”

“Indeed.” She flicked her eyes up. “Cameo’s going to flip if she sees you putting your dirty shoes on her bed.”

Simon groaned, but he moved his feet.

Runner Three probably wasn’t the most emotionally healthy choice for a friend right now, but with Sam always busy, Maxine returned to Abel, Jody very fragile, and Sara and Maggie dead, her options were limited. At least Simon was fun. She needed a good dose of that after spending so much time sitting with trauma and pain. He always had an idea of something stupid to do, and he never seemed to mind that she was grouchier these days.

Jo’s watch beeped.

“Aha!” Simon exclaimed, snatching the book out of her hands. “Time’s up! Now you have to pay attention to me.” For a large person, he was such a little brother sometimes. He stuck the book back under her mattress where it lived. “Come on, I know you didn’t stop at the canteen after your run. You need to eat.”

Jo started to follow him out of the room. “Now you just sound like Sam.”

“That’s because he’s started telling all of the runners to make sure you’re eating because he’s not around to do it himself. He’s driving me nuts always asking how you are. No one ever bothers to ask how dear old Simon is.”

“I would happily relieve you of the burden if Sam and I were ever not working at the same time.”

“You could just go and see him over in comms, you know. They don’t like us to hang around, but they won’t kick you out straightaway.”

Of course, she couldn’t do that. Headsets weren’t stored in the room where Nadia guided missions, which meant that thus far, she’d been able to do a pretty good job of avoiding the grieving operator. “Simon, you know I’m trying not to avoid Nadia.”

“Jesus. You must really be spooked about her if you won’t even risk it for Sam’s sake. What, are you a terrible liar?”

“Oh no. I’m an excellent liar. That’s the problem. I’m not sure what good all of this personal growth does me if I have to lie all the time. Besides, tomorrow we run that huge, important mission, and we have our victory party to look forward to. We’ll all get to relax and celebrate and Sam can be my problem for a while."

She didn’t want to admit she’d been counting the days to this mission for the sole reason she’d finally get to see Sam unencumbered by work.

“Mm. And what if the mission’s a failure?”

It wasn’t like Simon to play the pessimist, but then again, no one was themselves lately. “Then it will be yet another pity party starring the most miserable runners in the world.”

* * *

It had been weeks since Sam had gotten to be Runner Five’s operator. He’d forgotten how sure-footed she was, how she took direction with no hesitation, how watching her move and dodge and turn settled the mass of anxiety that wrapped around his heart. It made him feel like maybe everything really was going to be okay.

He tried to remember that as Nadia directed her to run along the gantry and jump to the next building.

“Good god, Sam. Can you back up a little? You’re breathing down my neck.”

“Huh? Oh, sorry, Nadia.” He backed away, but barely. He didn’t want to take his eyes off of Five.

Alright, technically he still wasn’t her operator today. Nadia was. His job, as assigned by the Major, was to burst in halfway through the mission, panicking about Five being in danger. The whole thing was designed to keep Van Ark from guessing their actual objective since he was almost certainly listening in on their comms. Admittedly, panicking about Five being in danger was a role he played well.

“Take a good run-up, Five. The gantry’s starting. You can do it!” Nadia urged.

“The fast zoms are coming out of the hatch behind you, pouring onto the roof, they’re…”

“Go, Five, run! Run!”

Sam held his breath as her body was suspended over the gap between the buildings and didn’t exhale until she landed. He whooped with joy.

“Yes! You did it! You bloody did it!”

Jo laughed through the headset. “Always the tone of surprise with you.”

She was much quieter than usual with Nadia in the room. Their busy New Canton schedules meant he’d hardly seen her at all since they’d stuck her in the runners’ quarters. They’d had no time to talk, but he knew Nadia was the reason she never visited him. He could hardly hold it against her, but dammit, he missed her.

Tonight, though, when the mission was complete, there was a party, a chance for everyone to let loose and breathe and pretend like things were normal for a little while.

The fast zoms jumped after her, which they’d expected, but she outpaced them with ease as she weaved her way down the fire escape and headed towards the railway tracks. Van Ark’s chopper took off. Sam watched Jo’s stiffen; the sound of a helicopter always set her on edge.

“Van Ark’s chopper’s taking off,” Nadia announced, as if that hadn’t been the plan all along.

“Oh, oh no! What will we do? There goes our last chance to get hold of those crucial plan!” Sam lamented, unconvincingly.

Jo snorted. “Sam, that’s terrible.”

“He could still be in audio range,” Nadia chastised. “Might still be monitoring our comms?”

Five still had a pack of about twenty behind her as she headed towards Major De Santa’s position.

“Runner Five, this way! Towards the barricades!” Sam exhaled as the Major called her to safety. “That’s good, yes! Now, as we practiced, deploy the nets!"

This was it. They deployed the nets.

And they caught the zoms.

“Got them!” Sam exclaimed. “Oh, bloody got ‘em! Mission a complete success, Runner Five! Repeat, can I just repeat that? A complete blooming success."

“And Van Ark away in his chopper before he knew we were intending to catch some of his fast zombies for our testing! Jolly good job, everyone.” The Major was always willing to tell people when they’d done well, but Sam had rarely heard her sound quite so pleased.

“Oh, you were amazing back there, by the way,” Sam said to Nadia. “All, ‘Oh no, how could we have anticipated fast zombies, oh no!’ We definitely didn’t specifically put Van Ark in a threatening situation so he’d release his fast zombies so we could catch some so our doctor could test them and find out what’s different about them, that’s not the reason at all!’”

“And you!” she said back, her face shining with relief, “With your, ‘Runner Five is in terrible danger,’ and, ‘Who knew zombies could jump!’ We definitely didn’t plan this route beforehand so we’d get his strongest, fastest zoms to run our tests on!”

“Five, you were incredible. And just like, so brave!” Sam knew being in New Canton hadn’t been easy for her. He knew she was mourning Sara and Maggie and missing home and trying to make sense of so many things. He knew she wasn’t herself. That was obvious every time he overheard a New Canton runner call her “Ice Queen Five.” It made his blood boil a bit that they could so deeply misunderstand her.

But today, when they needed her, she’d stepped up, just like she always did. She was amazing.

“You really were great at this, Runner Five,” Nadia said.

“Yeah, no, Five’s amazing at this spy stuff.” He rambled on without thinking. “Like, Five was incredible at wearing your dead –”

 _“Sam._ ”

“Dead what?” Nadia said, joy on her face suddenly vanished.

“Dead nice uniforms?” he pivoted, uselessly.

 _Shit_.

“That’s not what you were going to say. You were going to say ‘dead runner’s gear,’ weren’t you?”

 _Shit, shit, SHIT_. “I, uh…”

Nadia’s entire demeanor had changed. She’d straightened her spine and moved back from Sam, jaw tight and eyes blazing. “Someone wore Lem’s gear so we’d think he was still alive and get distracted. I never knew which Abel runner it was. Foggy image on the cameras. Whoever it was dropped Lem’s kit before they headed into New Canton. Could have been several runners. I never…I never knew.”

 _Sam, you IDIOT,_ he silently berated himself. They’d managed to keep Jo’s secret for weeks. The Major had even convinced the Permanent Advisory Council the matter wasn’t worth looking into now that they were allies. And he’d gone and blabbed it without a second thought.

“All water under the bridge now, eh? New Canton, Abel Township, working side-by-side against a greater enemy? No hard feelings for that time you tried to raid us?”

“Yeah, yeah. Water under the bridge, yeah. We’re allies now, that’s what counts.

Sam didn’t believe her. But that wasn’t a problem for now

“And we’ve got the biggest Mars Bar cake ever made waiting for you here, Five. Come on back, you old hero, you!”

Jo groaned. “Sam, you know I hate it when you call me a hero.”

“Yeah, well, tough, because that’s what you are today. Come on back so we can celebrate, alright?”

Sam turned back to Nadia, who had fixed her eyes on the screen. She stared at the picture of Five running back with an intensity he didn’t like. All of the air of celebration had been sucked out of the room. Sam cleared his throat uncomfortably.

“If you’ve got everything under control here, I’m going to go meet Five.”

Nadia looked at him with a smile that didn’t meet her eyes. “Yeah. Sure. Of course.”

Sam got out of the room as quickly as possible and headed for the tunnels. That was one of his least favorite quirks about New Canton. Runners picked up their headsets and were dispatched from a series of tunnels under the complex with no need to come through the actual comms station at all. He’d gone days, weeks even, without seeing some of them. It didn’t feel right.

He only had to wait a few minutes before the gate opened and Runner Five returned. His heart leapt as he barreled past the guards towards her. Sam worried he was about to be a little overly enthusiastic in reuniting with his friend, but her face lit up when she saw him. She practically flung herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck so her feet were no longer touching the ground. Sam swung her in a circle and she laughed.

God, he’d missed that sound. He’d missed her.

“Bloody hell, you are sweaty,” he complained.

“You could put me down, you know,” she retorted, her voice a little muffled against his shoulder.

“Nope, not yet,” he said and squeezed her tighter for a second. “Alright.” He set her back down.

No preamble, no awkwardness, no stumbling over words while you reacquainted yourself with someone you hadn’t seen in a while. They were instantly right back where they’d been.

He put an arm around her shoulders as they walked towards the hospital for bite check. “You did _beautifully_ today. The whole thing went off without a single hitch. And I know, I know you hate the word ‘hero,’ but seriously, what else would you call what you did today.”

“I’d call it doing my job. Just like anyone would’ve.”

“Uh huh, sure, that’s why the Major asks for you by name for stuff like this.”

He had to leave her at the hospital. They didn’t like anyone nonessential hanging around. As if waiting for someone you cared about was nonessential. How very, very New Canton. He started to complain, but Jo stopped him.

“Go ahead to the party, and I’ll clean up as quickly as possible and meet you there. Deal?”

“Fine, deal. I guess if I’ve waited this long to see you I can wait a little longer. But hurry up, alright?”

* * *

Jo’s first thought when she got to the transformed gymnasium was that she was back in high school, attending one of the few dances her friends had dragged her to. That’s what the cheap lights and fog machine and loud music reminded her of, except in this case, everyone was drunk instead of just the jocks who’d snuck in a flask, and the music was mostly 80s instead of early 2000s pop. She couldn’t help but think that Jack and Eugene would have a better playlist.

The feeling in the room was a total tone shift from the past near-month. People were smiling and laughing, talking animatedly to each other, dancing without a care. For a moment, Jo saw the New Canton runners a little more clearly. They were fighters who risked their lives, who’d suffered losses and made sacrifices, just like Abel’s.

“There she is! There’s our hero!” Simon called, slinging an arm around her shoulders. He’d gotten much, much better about making sure she saw him before touching her. Underneath all the idiocy, Simon really was alright sometimes.

“Ugh, I already told Sam I hate being called a hero.”

“I know. He told us not to call you that, so of course…”

“You’re such an ass.”

“Such an ass that I’ve mixed you your favorite cocktail?” He handed her a glass. “Let me make sure I got it right: I took a bottle of whiskey, and I poured some in a glass.”

She clinked her glass against his. “You are a true friend.”

“FIVE!” Something collided with her and attached itself to her side. “Bloody hell, what took you so long?”

She turned to look up at Sam. “I was barely twenty minutes! And in that time you’ve managed to get…how drunk exactly?” Based on the color of his cheeks he was somewhere into his third.

“Yeah, I let Yang and Cameo talk me into doing shots with them, it probably wasn’t the smartest idea.”

“Neither of them is full of smart ideas right now.” She extracted herself from Simon to lean into Sam’s shoulder.

“Oh, sure, no time for old Simon now.”

She flipped him off. “I see you every single day, I’ve barely seen Sam in weeks. Quit whining.”

“Why don’t you just admit you like Sam more than you like me?”

“I didn’t think that needed admitting. Apparently I’ll have to work harder to make sure it’s obvious.”

Simon clutched his chest and stumbled backwards. “Oh, you wound me! After all I’ve done for you!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jo said before draining her glass in one go. She shoved it back in Simon’s hand. “Get me another.”

“God, you’re bossy. But fine. You have some catching up to do. And I’m sure you two want to be alone anyway,” he said, waggling his eyebrows. Jo kicked him.

Luckily, Sam had gotten momentarily distracted by the disco ball and had missed that quip.

“A disco ball. A bloody disco ball.” He shook his head before turning back to Jo. “I see it now. What you said about Simon reminding you of your brother. You’ve got a whole sibling rivalry thing going on.”

“Oh yeah, he’s an idiot, but at least he’s fun. And since I don’t have my _usual_ choice of company…”

He leaned his head against hers. “Yeah. I’ve really missed you. It’s so weird. I mean, I barely see anyone the way they keep me working all the time. The other day I started making two mugs of tea before remembering you’re not allowed to sit and read while I’m working. God forbid we cross professional lines in fancy, regimented New Canton.”

They found a trio of chairs and sat. “It really sucks here.”

“Yeah.” He looked at her for a second. “How are you?”

Jo wanted nothing more than to talk to Sam about everything that had happened since the rocket launcher, but now was hardly the time, so she shrugged instead. “Depends on the day. Difference is, this time, I don’t pretend I’m fine when I’m not. You know. Progress.”

Sam nodded. “Eight would be proud of you.”

She looked away from his gaze. “Yeah. I hope she would.”

They were quiet for a few seconds before Sam said, “I miss Maxine, too.”

“Yes! Me too, I hate that she’s not here. I miss Maxine, and I miss working in the hospital, and reading in the comms shack…I even miss Janine. Is that weird?”

“Yes. Very. I’m not even sure she’s noticed we’re gone. Or if she has, she’s probably overjoyed at having her space back.”

Jo laughed and then winced as a knot in her neck seized.

“You ok?”

“Yeah, I just woke up with a stiff neck.”

“Hm. Yeah. The beds here are not comfortable.”

“Made worse by the fact that this one spends half her time sleeping on the floor,” Simon said, returning to take the last seat. He slid Jo a more full glass this time.

“What?? What the hell are you doing that for?”

“So she can hold Jody’s hand until she stops crying.”

“Oh no,” Sam said, face falling. “She’s still that bad?”

“I mean, it’s hard to really process any of it yet. We’re away from home, stuck somewhere we hate, running missions in gross uniforms, and on top of that, her best friend is dead?” Jo shook her head. “I think it’s a miracle any of us are functioning right now.

They all shifted uncomfortably for a second, sipping their drinks. A piano glissando broke the tension. Simon’s face lit up.

“Aha! Hear that, my dancing queens? That’s a sign. No more heavy stuff, not tonight. Let’s get drunk and dance.”

“Yeah. Yeah! Three’s right, we’ve got all the time in the world to be sad. Tonight’s for celebrating.” Sam drained the rest of his drink and stood abruptly, knocking into a passing New Canton runner.

He turned to them, disgusted. “Watch where you’re going,” he spat.

“Oi!” Simon said, standing. “How about you watch how you talk to my friends?”

Jo stepped in front of Simon before he could settle this with his fists. “Alright, man, calm down. It was an accident. We’ll be more careful.”

“See that you are, _Runner 38_.”

He’d only said the last two words loud enough for Jo to hear. She promptly lost the New Canton runner in the crowd, but his meaning was clear. Everyone knew now.

She was in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are back! I am so very excited about the things that are to come in season 2. Thanks for reading!


	3. Fire and Foe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 2/12/21 because I realized I missed a HUGE opportunity for Sam/Jo nonsense. That has been corrected.

_And we rise from the ashes,  
_ _And we sail through the storm,  
_ _And there’s chains, whips, and lashes  
_ _And we rise as we rise as we rise  
_ _With the dawn._

[_Fire and Foe – Nick Saxon_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipZ3u33USgs)

New Canton was suddenly a very different place. Relations between the two runner corps deteriorated further, which no one would’ve thought possible. Any fledgling friendships were quickly abandoned. Even Archie was keeping her distance, though that had more to do with her friends dragging her away from Abel than her own desires.

Jo was on edge; she’d been waiting for the repercussions for her actions for weeks, and now that word was out she wished they’d get them over with already. She was subject to glares and mutters, and she’d been bumped into a few times, far too forcefully for it to be an accident, but it didn’t go beyond that. It helped that she was literally never alone. Simon had taken it upon himself to work out a security detail of sorts. Running, training, eating, showering, it didn’t matter; someone was always nearby. He also insisted he was going to figure out who’d spilled the beans. Jo kept that secret carefully guarded. God help her if he went after Sam.

Jordan, Runner 14, was Jo’s favorite bodyguard. They weren’t much bigger than she was, and their delicate features and blonde pixie cut gave them the look of a forest spirit. They weren’t great physical protection, but if anyone got too close, they would curse a blue streak that put Jo herself to shame. She wasn’t sure how she’d missed them all these months, but she found them delightful. They were far more fun than brooding, angry Simon.

Simon could say he was protecting her all he wanted. Jo knew he really just wanted an excuse to fight. And he had. One day during training, he’d overheard a New Canton runners say something unflattering about her, and he’d punched him square in the face. Yang and Kwargho had backed him up when the guy’s friends descended. It had taken all of Abel’s runners and about a dozen of New Canton’s to drag them apart.

After that, the Major had ordered One, Three, and Twelve returned to Abel, at the request of the Permanent Advisory Council, along with Four, who they decided needed a change of scenery. Sam had gone with them; that was the worst part.

“And Abel Runner Five? No, don’t bother replying. I don’t think we’ll be talking much.”

And then there was Nadia. The woman had gone ice cold, which was fine, Jo didn’t need to be liked, but letting it bleed into the field? That was completely unprofessional. She never felt safe with Nadia on comms. At least today she had Archie and Evan with her.

It was a find and fetch today for power tools, things they could use to help rebuild Abel. Jo was anxious to get moving; the faster they got these tools, the faster they’d all be back home.

“What’s our direction?” Evan asked.

“Dead north,” Nadia replied. “Aim for that cluster of pines on the horizon.”

“Got it. I was told these will be used for the rebuild of Abel.”

“Yes. It’s not like we don’t need them in New Canton, but apparently Abel’s number one priority these days.”

Jo fought the urge to roll her eyes. Evan and Archie made conversation about Van Ark, and she kept her head down and her mouth shut.

“So, we’re rounding up and housing the refugees until Abel can be put back together. Of course, you could all just stay in New Canton. Apparently, that’s not good enough for some people.”

Jo started to talk back to Nadia, but Evan put a hand on her shoulder. Right. Head down, mouth shut.

“New Canton’s not home, is it? Well, it’s our home, but Abel Township is their home! If someone blew up New Canton, I’d want to rebuild it.”

God bless Archie. Jo wasn’t sure she liked her exactly – she could be a bit much – but she had a positivity and joy that was very rare these days. It was refreshing, if somehow also a tad exhausting.

They skirted some zombies who came at them from the west and barely managed to pick up the supplies when they ran into trouble.

“Oh!” Archie exclaimed. “Oh dear…”

“What is it?” Nadia asked. They were out of headcam range now.

“That really isn’t very good.”

“What?!”

“There’s a pack –” Jo started.

“Runner Seven?” Nadia cut her off as if she hadn’t been speaking.

“Yes, sorry,” Evan replied. “Archie has good eyes. There’s a whole pack of zoms in that overgrown wheat field behind us, and another three approaching from the west.”

“Can you circle around?”

“Doubtful. Runner Forty-Five warned me the wheat field’s littered with crawlers. I think someone ran a combine harvester over them.”

“Sorry, guys, looks like you’re just going to have to –”

“Yes, we know.”

They ran, easily outpacing the zoms, though you wouldn’t know that from Archie’s worryful monologue.

“This isn’t good! This isn’t…isn’t enjoyable. It’s definitely not fun. Nadia? Nadia!”

“We’ve moved out of radio range,” Evan told her.

“At least that’s over,” Jo muttered.

“Nadia?” Archie tried again anyway.

“She can’t hear you. Don’t worry, we’re not far from Abel now. If we can just – oh.”

“What do you see, Seven?” Jo asked.

“There.” Jo followed his gaze. “Five zoms to the left of that burnt-out barn.”

Five zoms. Shamblers, but too close for comfort.

“Ah, yes,” Archie replied. “Wouldn’t it be nice if it was just people on a walk? Maybe a picnic. Slightly grey people on a picnic? Shambling grey people out for a picnic…”

Static distracted her from Archie’s ramblings.

“Runner Five? Five? That is you, isn’t it?”

“Sam!” she exclaimed.

“And Runner Seven? And…oh, no, I don’t know you, sorry.”

“It’s us, Sam,” Evan said. “We’re with Archie, that’s New Canton Runner Twenty. Do you have us on camera? We’re in a bit of a tight spot.”

“Oh, yes! I see. No problemo, the cavalry’s…” A gunshot cut him off. “Yep, the cavalry’s definitely there.”

Five shots took down five zombies with military precision.

“Wow!” Archie said. “She shot them all in the head. That’s very impressive. Little scary, too, but mostly impressive! Maybe half scary, half impressive? Scressive? Imprescary, imprescressive? Impre…scarypressive!”

Jo smiled. “Yep. That’s our Janine.”

She was surprised by how happy she was to see her. Its wasn’t just about the rescue; in a time when so much was out of order, Janine was a constant, something to be relied upon.

“Runner Five! Runner Seven! Good to see you,” she called.

“Janine!” Evan replied. “Didn’t expect to find you out and about.”

“I prefer to coordinate from base, but with Runner Eight…with Eight dead, and two thirds of my personnel MIA, I’m short-handed.”

The past few weeks had certainly impacted her. Janine always had bags under her eyes, but they were darker now. The rest of her, however, was somehow tidier than usual. Certainly that was her way of trying to prove to the Major she was measuring up. As if she needed to.

“Well, no time for pleasantries. There’s Abel’s radio tower on the horizon. Keep your heads down, and follow me.”

“There she is,” Jo said with a grin. “There’s the robot I’ve missed so much.”

Janine rolled her eyes.

* * *

Sam waited by the gate for the runners to return. Sure, Janine had said they needed to debrief, but could that really not wait a couple minutes for him to greet his friends?

Seven was through the gate first. Sam clapped him on the back. “Seven! Good to see you, man.”

“And you, Sam. You holding down the fort?”

“Eh, best I can, same as ever.”

Jo was discussing something with – or, from the looks of it, more likely annoying – Janine.

“Five, are you really already getting on Janine’s nerves?”

“I’m just telling her I’ve missed her! She’s the one making it weird.” She wrapped her arms around Sam’s waist.

“Yes, well, I have been a bit too busy to focus on feelings as of late,” Janine said.

“Just as of late?”

“Very funny. Now, you and Runner Seven head over to the hospital for bite check, then I expect you both in my office to debrief.”

“You said bite check, but I heard ‘hug Maxine for the first time in three weeks.’”

She and Sam practically ran to the hospital. Maxine was bent over her research and didn’t hear them approaching. Jo put a finger to her lips and dramatically leaned against the doorframe.

“Excuse me, Dr. Myers, are you taking walk-in patients today?”

Maxine looked up with a start at the intrusion. Her face lit up when she realized what it was.

“Jo!”

“Hi, Maxine!”

Maxine dropped what she was doing and pulled off her gloves so she could hug her returned friend. “I’ve missed you! I don’t suppose you’re staying long?”

Jo shook her head. “No such luck. Seven and I are sticking around for Sara’s memorial, then it’s right back to New Canton with us.”

“Oh, boo. How are things up there?”

Jo shrugged. “Oh, you know. I’m not terribly popular these days, but that’s ok.”

“Mmm,” Sam said, “I know the Major’s got her reasons for keeping you there, but are we sure you’re safe?”

"We’re keeping a close eye on her, Sam,” Evan said, finally catching up. “Listen, I'm as happy as anyone to be back in Abel, but we should really get on with bite checks so we can meet Janine.”

"Ughh, fine," Jo replied. She stood in front of Maxine and Evan with her arms out. "No bites..." she turned around, "And no bites."

"I'm not sure that's to protocol."

"Seven, you were with me the whole time, zoms didn't get anywhere close. And now that it's summer and I'm running smaller clothes you can really see – no bites.”

"More tattoos, though," Sam remarked, poking the ring of flowers that encircled her left thigh. “I don't think I knew you had all those."

"And these are just the ones you can see," she replied, flicking her eyebrows suggestively. Sam felt himself blush. "What?" she asked, smirking. "You can't relate to hidden tattoos?"

Sam furrowed his brow for a moment before he caught her meaning and blushed harder. "Oh, not that again."

"Oh yes that again!" She reached up to muss his hair as she passed, and he playfully shoved her away. She and Evan left with a promise to reconnect at the memorial.

Sam felt Maxine watching him. "What?"

"Is something...different with you two?"

"What? No. What would be?"

"I don't know, you just seem a little...more comfortable? Did something happen at New Canton?"

"No, Maxine, don't be ridiculous," he replied, laughing. Even he didn't believe himself.

"Sam..."

He gave an exasperated sigh. "Alright, fine. Nothing _actually_ happened, it's just that when Jo got out of the hospital they put us in the same room by mistake and, y'know, it was a scary, stressful time so we slept in the same bed."

Maxine's eyes went wide. "And??"

"And nothing! That's it. After a few days they moved her to the runners quarters, and I didn't see her again for weeks."

“‘Nothing’ like ‘I don’t want to tell you,’ or –”

“Nothing, like nothing.”

Neither of them had actually acknowledged the fact that they'd shared a bed or that it maybe hadn't been the most platonic thing to do. Not for Sam, anyway. For Johanna he just chalked it up to being hurt and upset in an unfamiliar place. Maxine could think whatever she wanted, but Sam couldn't imagine Jo’s heart jumping the way his did or her skin getting a little warmer where he touched her.

Maxine sighed wearily. "So the conversation we had about sharing our feelings did absolutely nothing for you, huh?"

"What would be the point, Maxine? Yes, maybe I have feelings for Johanna that go beyond friendship, but I _like_ our friendship, and I wouldn't want to do anything to screw it up. I am perfectly happy with things as they are.

Although, he had to admit, waking up next to her those few days, feeling her body pressed against his, it had made him happy. Much happier than anything had in a long time. It had made him imagine, just for a moment, what more than friendship would be like.

Maxine just shook her head. "Oh my god, you are both so stupid."

* * *

There was no getting around it: Janine had been dreading Sara's memorial.

At first, she’d put it off because of the chance she'd return. Then because there wasn’t the time. Then because no one was around to take part. Then she ran out of excuses.

Memorializing Runner Eight was acknowledging that she really wasn't coming back. That was difficult to swallow. Sara had been a true ally and an even truer friend. Janine had few enough of those. She'd always had difficulty making friends, especially with women. She had always been exceptional; it wasn't bragging, it was just the truth. Growing up the other girls had seen her as a threat and outcast her. Even the adults found her odd for her unwillingness to fit into what was expected.

This hadn't changed as she'd grown, and she decided instead to find meaning and pride in her work instead of in relationships. She'd had acquaintances, a temporary boyfriend or two, but for the most part, Janine was a solitary creature. Part of it was necessity, part of it was learned behavior.

Sara's friendship had been unexpected. She understood Janine in a way most people didn't - she too was a woman of ability with secrets to keep and duties to perform.

Janine spent most of her time alone these days. It was unavoidable with her people scattered. She worked closely with the Major, but she would never mistake that for friendship. Sure, there was Simon, but what was he besides stress relief and a way to pass the time? 

The sun was going to set within the hour, and Five and Seven would still need to make the trip back to New Canton. It was time to get started. Not everyone was here, but Sara was never one for fanfare. Janine was here, as was Five. That would've been enough for her.

Janine cleared her throat. "Good evening, everyone. Thank you for being here. Tonight, we are honoring Runner Eight, Sara Smith, who died protecting Abel Township. Runner Eight was as strong a soldier as we've ever had, and I know we are all feeling her absence. If anyone would like to say a few words, I'd like to invite you to do so. Perhaps you'd like to get us started, Runner Five?"

Five looked up. She was standing with Dr. Myers and Sam and leaning a whole lot closer to the latter. Janine sincerely hoped this would not be a repeat of what had happened with Ms. Dempsey. Five nodded and took Janine's place in front of the group. She looked a bit uncomfortable addressing everyone, even if Janine had asked her to think of a few remarks.

Finally, she began speaking. "When I first got to Abel...I thought Sara Smith was going to kill me." A few people laughed. "And I'm not exaggerating. But then I got to know her better. I realized that she was only so distrustful of me because I represented a threat to Abel, and she did not take threats to Abel lightly. Yes, protecting the Township was her job, but she also loved this place. And she loved its people, even if she showed it through insults and ass-kicking." 

More laughs. Janine smiled.

"I keep...I keep having these moments where I'm in the field, and I catch myself looking over my shoulder for her. Because she was always there, she was always watching out for me. There is a big part of me that can’t actually wrap my head around the idea of her being gone. Sometimes I think I'm still on that hillside where the rocket launcher knocked me out, and that any second Sara's going to be shaking me awake and telling me to 'open your goddamn eyes, Five!'"

On that last bit, she slipped into an imitation of Sara's accent so perfect that even Janine had to laugh. She blinked away the tears in her eyes. Her own grieving would have to wait.

Five sighed heavily. She raised her glass - water, since she still had to run. "To you, Sara. I hope, somehow, you're still watching out for us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm. I do believe I'm writing "We Used to Be Friends" next. 
> 
> ...
> 
> Uh oh.


	4. Until the Levee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for symptoms of a panic attack, canon-typical violence. Spoilers through S2M4
> 
> Fasten your seat belts, everyone: it's "We Used to Be Friends," and it's in three parts.

_There’s trouble on the river,  
_ _And whispers in the trees.  
_ _I can feel it all around, all around._

_I’m gonna stand,  
_ _I’m gonna stand here in the ache,  
_ _Until the levee,  
_ _Until the levee on my heart breaks._

[ _Until the Levee – Joy Williams_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV5q_mzqC_I)

The rebuild of Abel proceeded more quickly than anyone had expected. The faster it moved, the more supplies they needed, and the more runners were brought back home. Not Five, though. The Major’s orders had been very clear: they needed intel on New Canton, and she was the one to get it. What exactly Jo was supposed to pick up on, outcast as she was, eluded her.

After the first round, Cameo was the next brought back to Abel; there hadn’t been any arguing with her.

Halfway through Sara’s memorial, Eugene had picked up a radio transmission from Brunswick, informing Abel that some of their people were there. He’d clearly been hoping it was his partner. For one terrible, hopeful moment, Jo was sure it was Sara. Her eyes had latched onto Janine’s, which clearly said she was thinking the same thing.

Of course, it hadn’t been Sara.

Kytan and David, Runner Two, had been holed up at Brunswick since the rocket launcher. David had a head injury and needed a lot of rehab. Kytan, thinking Abel was gone, had become immovably depressed. No one had thought to call to the destroyed Township, so weeks went by, both sides thinking the others were dead.

Yang had broken down in tears when they figured out who was coming home. Janine had disappeared under the guise of making arrangements to retrieve their people. Jo had felt her face fall, then immediately rearranged it, guilty. Of course she was glad David and Kytan were alive. Of course she was happy they could come home.

But god dammit, why couldn’t Sara?

As if he could read her mind, Sam had taken her hand and gently run his thumb over her knuckles. She’d focused on that to edge out the growing despair.

All that to say, when Cameo had learned Kytan was alive, there was no keeping her at New Canton. Jordan had gone with her. The others had gradually followed until she was the last runner left, save Seven, who’d somehow swung a private room. During the day, he stuck close by. At night, she shoved one of the bunkbeds against the door. True, the New Canton runners were more cold than outwardly hostile now, but that was somehow worse. Something was coming. Jo found herself paranoid and jumpy most of the time, on top of the fresh grief for Sara. The days spent alone at New Canton had been dark ones.

Jo’s head snapped behind her, thinking she’d heard a noise. It was just the wind. She knew she shouldn’t look behind her; it was rule number one in the field. Your operator is watching your six so you don’t have to. If it were Sam on the other side of the headset, she never would’ve doubted it for a second. But today? She had to be extra cautious.

Today, she was running to the industrial park south of New Canton for electronics. Today, it was just her and Nadia.

Jo was used to running missions with Nadia as her operator, but it had never been one-on-one before. She was always paired with another Abel runner, or at least Archie, and Nadia mostly pretended she wasn’t there. This was uncharted territory for both of them, and Jo had no idea how Nadia was going to react. It might’ve been the paranoia talking, but Jo was sure she was too calm.

Nadia was crunching on some crisps (chips?) while she guided the run. She was pseudo-apologetic for eating while Jo was in the field. Apparently her other runners hated it.

“But you don’t mind, do you Runner Five?”

“No, I don’t.” Jo didn’t talk to Nadia much, but when she did, she kept it short.

“No. You don’t seem like someone who’s that fussed about manners.”

Well, that didn’t take long.

Nadia directed one of the other runners away from approaching zoms; apparently, she was one of three missions in the field today.

“We’re a bigger outfit than Abel, so we have to run things differently here. I know what you Abel types used to say about us. Seems like you thought we were some kind of, I dunno, a cult crossed with a military dictatorship? Which is rich if you think about it. You all follow that Major of yours around like obedient little soldiers, and when Janine says jump…”

_…she has a very good reason for doing so_ , Jo thought, fighting to keep her face neutral. She had no idea what Nadia’s endgame was for all of this animosity, but she did know she wouldn’t give the other woman the satisfaction of seeing it get to her.

Nadia let her run in silence until she got closer to the industrial park.

“’From each according to her ability, to each according to her needs.’ You ever heard that?”

“It’s Marx.”

“Yeah. Funny, that stuff wasn’t too popular before Day Zero, was it? Collectivism, socialism. Pulling together, looking out for each other. If we can’t do that, there’s no hope for us. That’s what New Canton’s all about.”

As if Abel wasn’t?

“Lem understood that. You remember Lem, New Canton runner? He died, you took his headset, pretended to be him? Made me think he was still alive?”

Jo’s heart sped up. Was it paranoia if you were right?

“Lem never saw a problem he didn’t try to solve. He just couldn’t leave it to someone else. It wasn’t in his nature. See, that’s how we met. I’d heard about New Canton, used the last of the petrol to head down here. Only my van broke down, right in the middle of a horde of zoms.”

Dread crept through her veins, slow and icy. She didn’t want to hear this. She wanted to scream at Nadia, to tell her to shut up, that she was ashamed enough already, but she didn’t dare.

Nadia proceeded to tell her how, against all odds, Lem had saved her from that horde. It was a suicide mission, but it had been worth it to him to try anyway. Something tight wrapped itself around Jo’s throat. Lem had been a good man; that had been obvious in the few minutes she’d spent with him. Abel and New Canton weren’t even pretending to be allies then, but he’d given her the headset anyway. He’d refused her offer to shoot him before he turned, because that way he could draw the zoms away so she could get home safely.

Lem was a good man, a kind man. He was a hero with people he loved, who’d loved him. And Jo had used that. She’d used his identity to trick people who were hurting. She’d hurt them more. She always did; there wasn’t a good situation she couldn’t ruin or a bad situation she couldn’t make worse, a wound she couldn’t deepen. Her stomach rolled.

“And you are alive, Runner Five. You’re still alive, and I just can’t figure out how that’s fair.”

_Neither can I._

Her hands started to shake, a dull ringing settling in her ears. Tears pricked her eyes, but she refused to shed them. Not on this side of the gates, and not in front of Nadia.

She was on the verge of another panic attack, this time without Sara to pull her back from the edge. This was what she’d been trying to stave off since the last of the runners had returned to Abel. She was surrounded by people at New Canton, but she was isolated. She was alone. Alone didn’t work. Especially now, with no running partners, no one but Nadia on the headset, and what did she care for Jo’s distress?

Static interrupted her.

“Runner Five! I can see you on my cameras, what the hell are you doing there?”

She froze. “Sam?”

“Never mind, never mind, just get out, no time for talking – run!” He was alarmed. Jo quickly figured out why as a hail of gunfire erupted behind her. She gathered up all the panic and despair and pushed it into her body so she could run.

She skidded to a stop behind a large brick building to catch her breath and try to get her bearings.

“In case you didn’t know, Runner Five, those guys shooting at you – the ones in yellow t-shirts with ‘How Can I Help Today?’ written on them – yeah, they’re the Dedlocks. Careful! Sniper to your left!”

Jo rolled out of the way just before the brick behind her exploded.

“Now I come to think of it, you haven’t met Dedlocks before, have you, Five? Because Abel Township always keeps its runners clear of them.”

She’d never even heard the word Dedlock outside of Dickens before, but she was starting to piece together what was happening. Of course this was how Nadia would take her revenge. If she’d been attacked inside the walls of New Canton, it would’ve been too suspicious. But a runner dying in the field? Anyone would believe that. It was a brilliant, if vicious, plan.

“Everyone knows to steer clear of Dedlock territory, and that they’ve been moving east, into the factory district, isn’t that right, Nadia?” Sam’s voice was low and strained.

“No!” Nadia replied. “Of course I didn’t know that, how could I?”

“ _Don’t lie to me!”_ Sam exploded. Jo felt herself flinch; she’d never seen Sam angry, never heard him raise his voice. “Intel about the factories went out on Rofflenet a week ago! We’re supposed to protect the runners! That’s our job! You sent Runner Five here to die!”

“What if I did?” Nadia spat back. Jo felt as if she’d been slapped. It was one thing to suspect her motivations, but to hear her admit it?

“You shouldn’t have let me think Lem was still alive! You should never have let me think that!”

Nadia hated her enough to kill her. Not that she was the first to try, but this was different. They weren’t at war, this wasn’t a casualty in a battle. This was personal.

No matter what good she did, Johanna was still a person someone could hate enough to want dead.

“Grow up!” Sam snapped. “We’ve all lost someone, everyone has! That’s the – that’s the world now, that’s just the way it is! What gives you the right to – oh, dammit! I’m losing sight of you, Five, but they’re all around. See that building straight ahead, the one with all the broken windows? Go inside, it’s the only chance. Hurry, run!”

Unlike when Nadia gave orders, Jo didn’t give it a second thought. She ran.

* * *

Sam gripped the edge of his desk so hard his knuckles turned white. A joke? This was a joke to Nadia? Johanna could have died, and the best she could do was call it a joke?

He ignored Nadia’s explanations, instead focusing solely on bringing Jo home. “Runner Five, I’ve got no cameras inside. If you can hear me, then, well, you know, shout.” Nothing came. Sam exhaled. “No, I guess not.”

“I think that last sniper shot –”

“Runner Five is fine,” he said, cutting Nadia off. “The building must be…it must be blocking the broadcast.” That, or Jo just wasn’t talking. It wasn’t uncommon for her to go quiet when she was unusually stressed. But she was fine. She had to be fine.

He knew leaving her in New Canton had been a bad idea. Why hadn’t he objected to it more strongly? Why hadn’t he spoken up for her? He knew the Major had her reasons, but what could be worth her life? Sam tasted something metallic in the back of his throat. His heart was pounding in his ears. He forced himself to take deep breaths; he could get Jo home, but only if he stayed calm.

“You know, I never said the park was safe.” Nadia was still trying to dig herself out of the hole she’d created. “If Runner Five had kept an eye out –”

“So what do you think would have happened if an Abel runner died and a New Canton runner found their headset? You think they would’ve just left it there?” Sam was so angry he could hardly see straight. Lem had _given_ Five the headset; Sam heard it happen. But Nadia didn’t care.

“You know what, I think you should just stop talking now. Runner Five, if you can hear me, ignore Nadia. Just head for the exit due north. The Dedlocks don’t seem to know about that one, and…” The door to the north exit opened and Five cautiously stepped out. She was alive. She didn’t even look hurt. “Yes! Runner Five, I see you! But you’re surrounded.” There was a small break in the soldiers through the buildings ahead. “Just run!”

Something clicked into place just then. He’d seen plenty of runners through dangerous situations, and he’d seen them die too. It was always awful. But that all-consuming terror he’d felt when he thought Jo was about to die? He’d never felt that before, not even with Alice. That feeling…

Well, there was really no mistaking it, was there?

Sam watched the woman he could no longer deny he loved on the monitor. The image was grainy, but her distress was obvious. She hadn’t said a word since he’d first broken into the transmission. She mostly kept her head down, but any time he caught her face on a camera she looked not dissimilar to the day she and Eight had run to her old helicopter. He ached for the moment he’d be able to get her back home, to wrap his arms around her and try to hold all of the broken pieces together.

She’d told him, the night of Eight’s memorial, about how she was trying to face up to her demons. It had worried him to know she was doing it alone. Isolation in New Canton was doing her no good. Enough was enough. The Major was a reasonable woman; he could make her understand it couldn’t be this way anymore.

He asked her about the equipment she’d picked up to try and distract her, but was interrupted when Archie called for her.

“Careful, Five, she might be in on it.”

Archie’s face was indignant, even on the grainy monitor. “I heard that! In on what?”

“Oh you know, nothing major, just your friend Nadia trying a spot of murder.” He’d calmed down after Nadia had stopped talking, but seeing a New Canton uniform, even on Archie, brought the rage back.

“I am not in on anything!” Archie protested. “I was on a nice peaceful run going to check out another one of those weird empty campsites. You know those campsites, with all the clove hitch knots? Anyway, I saw Runner Five heading into the factory area, and I thought, ‘That’s stupid! We all heard a week ago that the Dedlocks had moved in there, and…’” Archie looked like Sam’s words had just caught up with her train of thought. “Wait. Nadia tried to kill Runner Five? I know she was angry about Lem, but…no, she didn’t.”

“She did.”

Archie quickly replaced her shock with a smile. “Well, obviously she didn’t succeed, so that’s alright, isn’t it? All friends again?” Archie put an arm around Jo’s shoulders, which Jo shook off with a jolt.

Sam was incredulous. “What??”

“Bygones can be bygones, old wounds under the bridge over troubled water?” Archie mixed several idioms trying to reassure him.

Archie wasn’t like the other New Canton runners, but she was still one of them. That was reason enough for Sam to want to drag Archie away from Johanna himself. Enough of this.

“Say goodbye to Archie, Five. I’m not leaving you in New Canton, not after that. You need to come back to Abel. We’ll find space, even if it means you’ve got to sleep with Janine. Well, not, ‘sleep’ sleep…you know what, it doesn’t matter. Just come home, Runner Five.”

When Jo was just beyond Abel’s gates, he switched off his transmission to her and opened a new channel with New Canton.

“You still there, Nadia?”

Silence. Finally, “I’m here. Sam –”

“No, don’t talk. Just listen for once.” He took a deep breath. “You want to know something, Nadia? Johanna – Runner Five – she cried over those orders. Bloody sobbed, literally on my shoulder, because she didn’t want to hurt you. They gave her her orders, and she cursed and cried because she didn’t want to do it. She thought it was cruel to trick you. But at the end of the day, she had to carry them out, because you would’ve raided us otherwise. She was just keeping Abel safe. And you tried to kill her for it.”

Sam switched off the transmitter, threw down his headset, and stormed out of the comms shack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I replayed this mission to prep for writing it, and it never occurred to me before how Lem saving Nadia mirrors Sam saving Five in this mission (and also in Jolly Alpha Five Niner). 
> 
> Anyway! On to part two...


	5. Eight II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for vomit, mentions of intimate partner violence.

_I can’t let you in; I swore never again.  
_ _I can’t afford to let myself be blindsided._

_I’m standing guard,  
_ _I’m falling apart,  
_ _And all I want is to trust you.  
_ _Show me how to lay my sword down  
_ _For long enough to let you through._

[ _Eight – Sleeping at Last_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obi4KCh6eHQ)

Jo raced through the gates and straight into Sam’s waiting arms. She clung to him, and he held her so tight his fingers dug into her skin. Inhaling deeply, she buried her face against his chest, enveloping herself in the familiar smell of laundry soap and tea. She was safe. She was home.

She was going to be sick.

She pushed him backwards, barely managing to avoid spewing her breakfast on his shoes. He didn’t care, just gathered the hair that had fallen out of her ponytail, holding it out of her face. He set his other hand between her shoulder blades, the weight of it pulling her back to reality.

She took out her water bottle and rinsed her mouth before standing up, slightly dizzy. “I’m ok, Sam.” She sounded anything but.

He shook his head, not looking at her. “Yeah, well…this is not ok. Come on, we’re fixing this.” He seized her hand, probably more roughly than he meant to and pulled her towards the farmhouse. She’d never seen him with this intensity in his eyes, anger driving him.

Sam burst through the door of Janine’s office without knocking. She and the Major were both inside. Both women looked up, dazed by the intrusion.

“Mr. Yao –”

“Nadia tried to kill Five.”

“What are you talking about?” Janine asked.

“Nadia, the New Canton operator, she tried to kill Runner Five. She deliberately led her into Dedlock territory with the intention of leaving her to die. If I hadn’t been checking the right camera at exactly the right moment, she might’ve succeeded.”

His words hung heavy in the air. Janine was incredulous. The Major’s face was unreadable. “That is a very disturbing allegation, Yao,” she said finally. “Do you have proof?”

“She admitted it."

“But do you have proof?”

“New Canton archives all of their broadcasts,” Janine said. “There should be a recording of today’s run. We can ask for it when we meet with the Permanent Advisory Council this afternoon.”

“Very well. We’ll check into it and insist on proper repercussions.”

“What about Five?” Sam asked.

“What about Five, Yao?”

“She can’t stay there. Nadia tried to kill her. She might try again.”

“Runner Five has a job to do, and that requires her to be in New Canton. If your account of events is correct, we’ll ensure Nadia is punished, but –”

_“That’s not good enough!”_

The three women gaped at him. Sam generally never raised his voice at all. But to a person of authority? It was unthinkable. He didn’t seem to have any idea the effect he’d had.

“Do you know how many times Runner Five has put her life on the line? How many times you’ve sent her charging into danger? And she does it, every time, because she’s a runner and that’s her job. She looks out for this place. And when you’re a runner, the one person you can count on to look out for you is your operator. That’s _their_ job. And there has to be complete trust between them so runners can take direction without a second thought, because as soon as you have second thoughts, you’re dead. If you ask her to go back to New Canton, then you’re asking her to spend every second looking over her shoulder, you’re asking her to go into the field never being certain if she can trust the directions she’s given. You’re asking her to never be sure, to never feel safe. Five…” he turned back to look at her. “Five doesn’t deserve that.”

As his eyes met hers, all the pieces fell into place. His anger at Nadia, the desperation on his face, his willingness to raise his voice to the Major. It was so obvious now.

He loved her.

And that pang in her chest when she looked at him? It meant she loved him back.

There was silence for a few moments. Janine broke it first. “Mr. Yao, you are completely out of line, raising your voice like that –”

“Stand down, De Luca.” The Major raised a hand, oddly calm. “I believe Yao has a point.”

This surprised Sam as much as anyone. “I do?”

“Yes, you do. You understand runner dynamics as well as anyone. If you think Runner Five’s life would be in danger back at New Canton then perhaps we should heed that.”

“Major, we don’t have a place for her here,” Janine protested. “I don’t want to see Runner Five in danger, but unless she plans to sleep on the floor of the comms shack –”

“I’d be fine with that,” Jo interrupted.

Everyone turned, as if suddenly remembering she was there. Janine raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

She nodded, having trouble finding words. She was still processing everything that had happened in the past hour. “I’m really not picky. But I can’t go back to New Canton. It’s like Sam said. I will never feel safe there.”

The Major nodded at her. “Then you will not be going back there. Consider your assignment complete. De Luca, you and I will speak to the Permanent Advisory Council about this incident and see to it their operator is dealt with properly. Runner Five, we’ll have someone collect your things for you and bring them back with us.”

Jo nodded. “Thank you, Major.”

“I’m sure that’s quite enough excitement for now. Both of you are dismissed. Take the rest of the day.”

* * *

Jo slumped against the far wall of the farmhouse where she figured no one would look for her. She knew she should go see Maxine, stretch, shower, get something to eat, but she couldn’t make herself focus on that right now.

What the fuck had just happened?

She’d been on a simple supply run, then she’d almost died – no, someone had tried to kill her – and Sam had saved her life and now she was back in Abel, for good this time, because Sam had yelled at the Major until she agreed to let her stay because…well, there was no mistaking why, no doubt in her mind.

She covered her face with her hands. It was one thing when Jody and Simon and Maxine teased her about a crush. This? This was love. Love could go very wrong.

Johanna had been in love twice in her life. Or at least she’d thought so at the time.

The second man had seen her as a problem to be solved, like she needed fixing. He’d been quick to turn on her when she hadn’t behaved the way he expected. Admittedly, she’d done something awful, but it wasn’t the thing itself that had upset him; it was that she dared undo all the work he’d put in. She couldn’t be what he’d tried to mold her into, and that was unforgivable.

The first had broken a mirror with her face. It’s how she’d gotten the scar that traced her jawline.

She’d loved him more. Their relationship was passionate and volatile, the first year of the apocalypse leaving an indelible mark. She’d left all the same when his passion turned to violence. It was one of the moments in life of which she was most proud.

Either way, she clearly didn’t have a stellar track record when it came to men.

Sam was different. She’d known that from the second she’d laid eyes on him. There was a goodness to him that you couldn’t miss. Jo was pretty sure he was the best person she’d ever met.

It didn’t make her any less terrified.

“There you are! I heard our favorite Five was back with us!”

Simon. She could not summon the energy to deal with anything else, so she ignored him instead.

“Oi, Five!” He lightly kicked her shoe. “What’s going on in that brain of yours? I heard Nadia tried to off you and all, but Jesus, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. I have a hard time believing that’s the first time someone’s tried to kill you. I mean, no offense, but no one gets the bad guys pissed off quite like you do.”

Her mouth worked against her brain’s wishes. “Sam’s in love with me.”

Simon just laughed. “Well, yeah, obviously.”

“And I’m in love with him.”

“Uh, again, obviously.”

She stared straight ahead. She hadn’t meant to say any of that, least of all to Simon, but it came out anyway.

“Jesus, Five, you look really spooked. Had that really never occurred to you before?” She couldn’t answer him. He sat down across from her. “Oh boy. You’re really having a sort of a crisis here, aren’t you?”

She shook her head. “I’m not talking to you about this.”

“Well, you’ve got to process this somehow, don’t you? Isn’t that your whole thing now? I don’t see you talking to Maxine. And I sure as hell don’t think you’re gonna go running to Sam with this one. So, come on, tell your Uncle Simon what’s on your mind.”

That got through her daze. “Uncle…? Ew, I’m older than you.”

“So? It’s possible. If your grandparents had another kid after you were born? Like you had a really young mum or something?

She started to get up. “Ok, you’re being an asshole, I’m leaving.”

“No no no!” Simon grabbed her hands, guiding her back to her seat. “I’ll stop making jokes, promise. Mature conversation. What’s bothering you? Because honestly, Five, you looked better after the rocket launcher, the first and second times.”

She was quiet for a long time. Simon, true to his word, waited patiently, just like anyone having a mature conversation would.

“I cannot be in love with Sam. That’s…not acceptable.”

Simon laughed without meaning to. “Not acceptable? What are you, Janine?”

“Laugh all you want, we’re a lot more similar than people think.”

“That’s not something you should brag about, not when it comes to feelings. Trust me, I’d know.”

“Are you admitting the rumors are true?”

“You know they are, don’t deflect.”

“Deflect? Jesus, we really are having a mature conversation. I’m impressed, Three.”

“Never underestimate me, Five. Now come on, what’s wrong with being in love with Sam? I mean from where I’m sitting, you two seem kind of perfect for each other.”

She wrestled with the words for a second, trying to express herself properly. “It’s not that. Sam is great. He’s funny and sweet and my favorite person to spend time with. And I know we’re close, and I know we flirt, I just thought…” She trailed off. She couldn’t quite articulate it.

“You thought it was all in fun except now there’s feelings you didn’t expect?”

Jo shook her head. “Not exactly. Like…I know I have feelings for Sam. I’ve known for a while. But like…in love with? That was not part of the plan.”

“Aha, so it’s the love part that bothers you. You ever been in love before?”

“I mean, I thought I was at the time. Didn’t feel anything like this, though.”

“Mm, I think love means different things at different times of our lives.”

She stared at him. “God, who are you? I didn’t know you were deep.”

“I contain multitudes, my friend. So what then, you’ve been burned before?” She nodded. “Hm. Figures. Haven’t we all.”

“Simon, I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I think I’ve had it worse than most.”

“Oh, I could tell you some stories.”

Jo didn’t answer him, just turned her head so he was looking at the scar on her jaw.

“Oh. Johanna…shit. I’m sorry.” She picked at a thread on her shirt. “Sam’s not like that though. You know that, right?”

“Neither was the guy I dated after that one,” she said, indicating her scar. “Didn’t end any better. I never was what he thought I’d be.”

Simon broke into a grin. “Ah, I see! It’s not a Sam problem at all! It’s a you problem!”

“Excuse me?”

“No, no, listen to me, what you just said? That you weren’t what he thought you’d be? You’re worried about you, not Sam! But, see, it wasn’t _really_ a you problem, your ex was just a twat!”

That made her laugh. “Ok, you don’t know anything about him though. I mean, you’re not wrong…”

“Don’t need to! If he wanted you to be something different than what you are then he’s a twat, end of.”

“Ugh,” she buried her face in her hands again. “I cannot believe you of all people are psychoanalyzing me right now. And what’s worse…I think you’re right.”

“Uncle Simon is very wise.”

Jo kicked him.

“Ow! Ok, seriously though, I don’t think you’re really worried about the feelings. I think you’re worried about what happens _after_ the feelings, if you can’t be good enough. Which is ridiculous, because, you know…you’re you.”

She shook her head. “It’s a moot point anyway.”

“What?? After all that free therapy I just gave you? How is it a moot point?”

“It’s not like I can make the first move.”

“Because it’s the 1950s?”

“Because of Alice.”

Simon’s mock-outrage deflated. “Well…yeah, that does complicate things, doesn’t it?”

“I have no idea where he is with that. I can’t push him.”

“Well…Sam’s your best friend, right?”

“Yeah…”

“So you leave things as they are. Just go on as normal, see where it takes you. You don’t push him, but you don’t run from it neither.”

Jo stared at the other runner for a moment. “That’s…really helpful, Simon. Thank you. I had literally no idea you gave good advice.”

“Well, don’t tell anyone. I’ve got a reputation to uphold and all.”

“What, as the most shallow runner?”

“It’s a badge of honor, Five. And like most things, I wear it well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had Jo's epiphany written for a while, and I'm really happy with it. I hope you enjoyed it too!
> 
> On to part three! Sam's POV next time.


	6. Downtown

_Is it really this fun when you’re on my mind?  
_ _Is it really this cool being in your life?  
_ _And I’m going crazy,  
_ _Crazy for you._

[ _Downtown – Majical Cloudz_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Rihk7_2BVw)

Sam flopped face down on one of the hospital cots. “Maxine!” He called. “I’ve done something very stupid!”

He’d yelled at the Major.

He’d _yelled_ at the _Major._

He, Sam Yao, had yelled at Major De Santa.

And she had…listened to him??

Honestly, that wasn’t even the worst part. It was why he’d yelled at the Major. He’d yelled at the Major because he was in love with Johanna, and by yelling at the Major he’d basically admitted that in front of her. She was not a stupid woman; she was probably the smartest person he knew. He’d seen it dawn on her, what his actions meant. He’d tried to stay with her after the Major had dismissed him, but she’d been distant, insisting she needed a moment to gather her thoughts. Sam had beelined back to the comms shack and stared at the same spot on his desk for a full hour after that.

Good god, what had he done?

“Maxine?” he called again.

“I heard you the first time, Sam, I’m working,” she called from her office.

“Please stop working and tell me I didn’t just ruin everything.”

Maxine leaned against the doorframe. “I don’t think defending Jo quite counts as ‘ruining everything.’”

He sat up to face her. “You already heard?”

“About how you laid into the Major? Yeah, Sam, quite literally everyone is talking about that.”

“Oh, no.” He buried his face in his hands. “Well, Maxine, seems like you were wrong. I do NOT have a crush on Jo. Turns out, I am hopelessly in love with her instead.”

Maxine snorted. “Well, yeah, I could’ve told you that.”

“And I yelled at the bloody Major for her! Might as well have shouted it from the top of the radio tower.” He stared at Maxine. “She knows. She must. She’s not an idiot.”

Maxine shrugged. “Is that really such a bad thing?”

“You didn’t see her when we left Janine’s office. She was…off. Like she didn’t want to be around me. Said she needed to go clear her head, I don’t even know where she went. Maxine, I think I screwed everything up."

She sat next to him. “You might be reading into that. She did have a _very_ bad day. You know she sometimes likes to sort things out by herself for a little while. She does that all the time. That might be all this is.”

Sam wasn’t convinced. “What if I ruined it? Our friendship, I mean.”

“What if you didn’t? What if now there’s room for something else?”

“She doesn’t feel the same way, Maxine.”

“That’s what you said about Alice.”

“Yeah, and look where it got me.”

She gently took his hands. “Sam. I don’t want to see you make the same mistake twice.”

He stared at the floor. “I don’t know what to do.”

Maxine squeezed his hands. "Unfortunately, my friend, I think you're the only one who can decide what comes next."

* * *

It was evening before Sam and Jo crossed paths again. She’d stopped into see Maxine while he was still panicking in the comms shack, then the runners had whisked her off, anxious for those that remained to be together again. Then, when he thought he’d finally get a moment to talk to her, Janine had summoned her back to the farmhouse to collect her things.

The story spread quickly. New Canton hadn’t even needed to pull up the recordings of the run. Nadia had broken down and confessed immediately. They’d suspended her and placed her on indefinite house arrest. The Major brought back “sincerest apologies” from the Permanent Advisory Council, which Abel’s runners had received with a hearty “fuck them.”

Sam finally came across her washing up before curfew. She was brushing her teeth and didn’t seem to notice him come in. Her sports bra and leggings were both teal, though not remotely the same shade. For some reason, this is what his uncomfortable brain chose to focus on.

“Your outfit doesn’t match.”

Internally, he slapped himself. A few of the others shot him peculiar looks. Lucky for him, Jo could make banter out of just about anything.

She turned, toothbrush still in her mouth. “I’m sorry, are you and your orange hoodie the fashion police now?”

He breathed a sigh of relief. She was being normal.

“Might be. You don’t know.”

She laughed and spat into the sink. She dried her face and pulled a black hoodie over her head. It was his, the one he’d given her all those months ago.

“You alright?”

She shrugged. “Not really. Being home helps though.”

“Yeah. It’s really good to have you back.”

She nodded. “So…someone’s got a bit of a dark streak.”

His cheeks got warm. “Oh…yeah. It comes out when I’m stressed, sorry…”

“Oh, don’t apologize, I’m into it.” She was packing her toiletries and didn’t see him blush.

They went back to the comms shack after that. Apparently she really was serious about sleeping on the floor like he did. She was bantering like normal, wearing his sweatshirt, and fine being alone with him. All good signs. Maybe he hadn’t ruined everything after all.

There was still an uncomfortable energy, which was understandable when Sam thought about the day they’d both had. His mind was both exhausted and racing at the same time.

“Right. Obviously there’s not a ton of space in here, but I grabbed you an extra bed roll and some blankets from the hospital. And I did give you the good spot on the floor,” he said, pointing to the setup.

“There’s a good spot on the floor?”

“Yeah, it’s further from the equipment so it’s not as hot.”

“Well, in that case, much appreciated.”

They settled in for sleep in uncommon silence. Sam thought back to those few days they’d shared a room at New Canton, how comfortable that had felt. Sharing a bed had felt like the most natural thing in the world. Jo had wrapped her arms around his waist every night, just like she had in the hospital, and sleep had come easily. Neither of them even acknowledged that there had been a second bed in the room.

Maybe things weren’t totally normal.

Sam lay in the dark for what felt like hours, though it was probably closer to 15 minutes. He could tell he wasn’t getting to sleep anytime soon.

“You’re not asleep either, are you?”

Sam turned. He hadn’t realized Jo was still awake. “No, I’m not.”

“Figures.” She sat up. “This is pointless, come on.” She stood and started towards the door.

Sam scrambled after her. “Come on where?”

“I wanna show you something.”

He followed her out of the shack. “It’s past curfew, though, we’re not supposed to be out.”

“What are you afraid of, Janine?”

“Or the Major.”

“Clearly not that afraid.” She turned to look at him, that mischievous spark back in her eye. “Come on, no one’s going to argue with me today. I almost died, remember?” She seized his hand and pulled him along behind her.

They stopped behind the armory. Jo ran her hands along the fence, clearly looking for something.

“Ok, we definitely shouldn’t be here.”

“Shh. Now where is it…aha!” She pulled back a section of the fence just large enough for them to slip through.

Sam followed her, apprehensive. “Isn’t this some kind of security risk? I mean, a hole in the armory fence?”

Jo shrugged. “Janine knows about it. Besides, you can’t actually get into the armory. We’re going up.”

“Up??”

She pointed to a ladder on the side of the armory that led to the roof. “Up.”

Sam gaped at her. “You are out of your mind.”

“Yeah, a little, but that’s why you like me, right?” She started up the ladder, and Sam had no choice but to follow.

You could see the whole of Abel from the roof. Sam looked out over the Township. Archie hadn’t been wrong to use a word like ‘shabby.’ Half the buildings were still decimated, and much of the land was dotted with tents and makeshift shelters, but they _were_ rebuilding. This was their home, and it would be what it was again. He turned to look over the gates. The forest beyond was dark and dense and looked almost peaceful, even though it was surely swarming with the dead.

“Wow. It’s beautiful up here.”

“That’s nothing,” Jo said. She’d laid down on the cement roof. She patted the spot next to her.

Sam joined her and followed her gaze to the sky. He gasped. He’d never seen so many stars in his life. Up here, above Abel’s few lights, with nothing else to pollute the sky, it was like nothing he’d ever seen. There were thousands, a private light show just for them.

“Oh my god,” he breathed. “This is incredible.”

“Sara showed it to me,” Jo said. “I couldn’t sleep after that run back to my helicopter, so she brought me up here to clear my head. She said Janine knew she came up here, and even though she didn’t like it, she wasn’t going to tell Sara no. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about it, but after today I think we can make an exception.”

It wasn’t lost on him, her sharing something of Sara with him. She was still mourning Runner Eight, probably more than anyone else realized. He’d seen the look on her face when Brunswick had contacted them. A tiny part of her was still holding on to the hope that Sara could still be out there. Hope was a comfort sometimes; other times, it was knife through the heart.

“You saved my life again.”

He turned towards her. She was already looking at him. He shook his head. “If I hadn’t checked the exact right camera at the exact right time…”

“But you did.”

It was pitch dark, but she was close enough for him to make out the features he knew so well. The backs of her fingers brushed against his. Sam thought about how easy it would be to take her hand, to close the gap between them.

Unfortunately, voices interrupted them before Sam could work up the nerve to do any of that. The words were indistinct, but it sounded like Janine and the Major. He started to sit up, but Jo put a hand on his chest. “What do we –”

“Shhhh!” She clamped her other hand over his mouth. She rolled closer to him, tucking her head against his shoulder to wait out the intrusion. He could feel her breath against his jaw. He was suddenly very nervous, and not because of getting caught.

“…still don’t know why we’re considering trusting them. They tried to kill one of our runners after all.”

“Their operator, not New Canton as a whole. And they are dealing with her properly.”

“I wonder if we should’ve brought Runner Five home sooner. I don’t like the thought of what would’ve happened had Mr. Yao not been watching when he was. Or what else could happen if we proceed working with them.”

“We need allies, De Luca. We cannot win this war alone.”

The voices carried easily in the dark. Sam had a feeling they were hearing a conversation they really shouldn’t be. The heavy metal doors of the armory opened, and the women disappeared.

Jo took her hand off Sam’s mouth. “Did you hear that? Janine cares about me.”

Sam laughed. “I think it’s time to get out of here.”

* * *

Back in the comms shack, lungs full of fresh air and minds full of stars, they were both able to get to sleep. Something woke Sam a few hours later; the clock on the desk said it was almost 2:00. He turned towards Jo. Her back was to him, and she was curled in on herself. She whimpered. A nightmare. That’s what had woken him.

Without thinking, he tucked an arm around her waist and pulled her against his chest. “Shh, you’re alright,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”

Gradually, the tension melted away. “I’m sorry about today,” he said. “But you’re home now. And I’m here. I’m not going to let anything hurt you.”

What Sam didn’t know was that Jo woke up in time to hear his promise, and somewhere in her untrusting, still-asleep mind, she believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now taking any and all bets on what happens first: Sam getting his nerve, or Jo losing her patience.
> 
> I got this chapter's song from The OA, and if anyone else wants to scream with me about that show getting canceled before we found out the truth, please come find me on Tumblr.


	7. Taking Chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...yeah, I couldn't resist using a Celine Dion song for this chapter. Consider it a teeny love note to my favorite Canadian and her darling SoFive.
> 
> This one's just a bunch of fluff, but content warning for an animal death (alas, poor Mildred...). Spoilers through S2M8.

_I just want to start again,  
_ _Maybe you could show me how to try,  
_ _And maybe you could take me in  
_ _Somewhere underneath your skin._

[ _Taking Chances – C_ _éline Dion_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKYKNZvQ6Jc)

Jo opened the door of the comms shack with a bang. Sam was leaning against the wall, and Janine had her head on the desk, apparently still mortified. She had run back to Abel on pure adrenaline and disbelief.

“Margaret Atwood. We just talked to Margaret friggin’ Atwood.”

Janine groaned. “You mean I made a fool of myself in front of Margaret Atwood.”

“Janine, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” Sam said. He looked at Jo and tapped his ear, indicating he had indeed been listening and knew exactly how flustered Janine had gotten. Jo shot him back a pained look.

“At least you talked to her,” Jo said. “After I shrieked I lost all powers of speech. I mean, _The Handmaid’s Tale_ changed my life. I am from the very rural, very conservative South, without it I may never have become the raging feminist killjoy you all know and love.”

“The Zombie’s Tale,” Janine muttered, face still on the desk.

“And it’s not like she was exactly of sound mind herself. Céline Dion does have more than one song, doesn’t she? No one thought to put on ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me Now?’”

“I sounded like a lunatic.”

Jo grabbed her shoulders and gently shook her. “Come on, Janine. You just got star struck. It’s happened to the best of us. I mean, clearly, seeing as you are the best of us. You had a human moment! It was very gracious of you to confirm that you are in fact human. Because sometimes I wonder.”

“You’re very welcome,” she deadpanned.

“Alright, am I allowed to actually take my shower break now or are you going to send me somewhere else to get all sweaty?”

“Yes, yes, go. I think I’ll stay here and hate myself a while longer.”

On her way out, Jo stopped and said, “Well, Janine, if it helps, you know what they say. Canada’s really big.”

* * *

It may not have looked like much, but Abel was starting to feel more like itself. Maybe it was the rebuilding, or the return of Radio Abel with _both_ hosts alive and well, or the fact that the entire runner corps was home, but the Township had come to life again. The July afternoon was warm and bright, and residents were taking advantage of the weather. People were spread across every inch of the quad in joyful defiance of the chaos beyond their gates. The kids noisily played tag in the shadow of the dorms. Cameo, Kytan, and Yang tossed a frisbee back and forth while others sunbathed or napped. Several people had gathered a picnic table for a game of cards.

Meanwhile, everyone’s new favorite gossip subject had stretched out in part-sun, Sam pretending to nap with an arm draped around Jo’s waist while she read with her head on his chest. Neither seemed to notice the looks they were drawing, especially from the other runners.

“Jack? Jack, it’s your turn,” Eugene said, elbowing him in the ribs.

Jack turned back to the group and leaned conspiratorially over the table. “Alright, those two know they’re a couple, right?”

Everyone else groaned. “Jack, we’ve been through this,” his partner said. “Despite the fact that literally everyone else can see it, those two don’t seem to have caught on yet.” Jack shook his head and played his cards.

“Seriously,” Jordan interjected, taking their turn. “I mean, I basically just met Five at New Canton, and even I thought it was bloody obvious. The hell’s the hold up?”

“You and Five have gotten close lately, right Three?” Jody asked. “I mean, I know I haven’t been the most attentive lately, but has she said anything to you?”

“Oh no, friends,” Simon replied. “I wouldn’t dare divulge a lady’s secrets. Especially a lady who’s more than capable of kicking my ass.”

“Are we gossiping about Sam and Five?” Cameo asked, taking a break from frisbee. She nudged Jordan over and took a seat next to them.

“What else?” Eugene replied.

“I don’t get it!” Jack said. “I mean, we all know Sam’s an idiot with this kind of stuff, but Five? She doesn’t seem like the type to wait around for a guy to make the first move.”

Simon dutifully kept his mouth shut.

“I mean, why are you guys not more outraged?”

“Because we all went through this already while you were living it up at Downton Abbey,” Eugene replied. “That’s why we started the betting pool as a coping mechanism.”

Simon noticed Dr. Myers standing outside the hospital, glaring at Sam and Five. She looked up and caught his eye. “Hmm…” He handed Cameo his cards. “Here, Cam, take over for me, I have to do something.”

He crossed the quad and leaned against the hospital next to her. “Quite the view, eh?”

The doctor exhaled through her nose. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Three.”

“Oh, come on, Doc, I know you know something.”

“Go away, Simon.”

Across the way, Sam sat up suddenly, dislodging Five from her spot. Simon could barely make out their conversation.

“Oh! I forgot to tell you. Remember that tech exchange Eleven and Thirteen did the other day? Turns out one of the drives had the first ten seasons of _The Simpsons_ on it.”

“Seriously?” Five replied, looking thrilled.

“Yep! And I know that’s your favorite, so I nabbed it. I’ve got a laptop on a solar charger, and I figured we could watch a couple episodes before bed.”

Maxine made a disgusted noise. “Oh my god, they’re practically married,” she muttered.

Simon thought for a second. “What if I told you what I know?”

Her head snapped towards him. “You know things?”

“I might. Not tellin’ it for free though.”

Maxine narrowed her eyes at him then jerked her head towards the hospital. Simon followed her back to her office where she closed the door.

“Alright, Simon, what do you know?”

“You first.”

“Count of three?”

“Fine. One, two, three…”

“Five’s in love with Sam.”  
“Sam’s in love with Five.”

Maxine clapped her hands over her mouth. “I KNEW it! Oh my god, I knew it. And Sam’s over here like, ‘Maxine, she can’t possibly feel the same way, blah blah blah,’ what an IDIOT.”

“Yeah, and what’s worse, Five knows damn well how Sam feels.”

Her eyes went wide. “WHAT? And she still hasn’t done anything? What is she waiting for, a personalized invitation?”

“Ehh, she’s worried Sam isn’t over Alice. She wants him to make the first move.”

“Oh for god’s sake,” Maxine said, sitting in her desk chair with a thud. “Wait…maybe this is a good thing. Yeah, I can use this to nudge Sam in the right direction.”

“Oh no, you don’t! You cannot tell Sam what I told you, Five would literally kill me. Literally.”

“I said ‘nudge,’ Simon, I won’t _tell_ him. And you can’t…well, I guess it doesn’t matter if you tell Five since she already figured it out for herself.”

“Yeah, our Sammy’s not exactly subtle.” He tapped his fingers on the desk, thinking. “Alright, doc, you’re the resident matchmaker: what do we do now?”

She shook her head slightly. “This is a delicate operation. Sam is nervous, but Five is _stubborn_. I don’t know which one is going to outweigh the other. I’d say we keep subtly pushing them together, but…”

“I’m not sure how much more together they can be pushed. You saw them out on the quad, there’s a whole table of runners gossiping about them as we speak.”

Maxine pursed her lips. “Is it possible we’re just going to have to be patient?”

Simon shuddered. “Absolutely not. We’ll think of something.”

* * *

Sam shifted nervously. “Look…” He sighed. “I really don’t think Runner Five is up to it. Not for the first mission based out of Abel Township. It’s not my call, of course. Not gonna make decisions for someone else, but I think –”

Maxine cut him off. “I get it, Sam, really, I do. But the Major’s been explaining how important working together with New Canton is. We’ve got that summit coming up – peace discussions! For the survival of the human race, we have to share resources and expertise, and not keep on with this backbiting, childish tit for tat.”

“Childish tit for tat??” he said, incredulously. “Are you saying that deliberately trying to get Runner Five killed is just, what? What is it, a game?”

Maxine put a hand on his arm. “We’ve got a larger enemy here, Sam. Van Ark is the one who attacked us.”

She was right, of course. Van Ark was the real threat. He’d attacked Abel, shot down Five’s chopper, taken Paula away from Maxine. Knowing all that didn’t make him any less nervous. Her first search and rescue mission back at Abel she’d gotten trapped at some estate by the lady of the house who’d insisted family tradition dictated they could not leave, even as a zombie horde descended. Now they wanted to send Jo out with a New Canton runner, identity to be seen. It all made him a little uncomfortable.

“New Canton have put that operator, Nadia, under house arrest. They know what they did was wrong. They’re trying to make amends.”

Archie popped out from behind a tree. “They’ve sent me!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. Of course they’d sent her.

Jo jumped about a mile, left hand immediately going to her holster. “Jesus, Archie. Startling me is a really, really bad idea, just for future reference.”

She giggled. “Sorry. I am just excited!”

Jo sighed. “Well, Sam, if it makes you feel any better, I can definitely take her.”

Archie furrowed her brow. Her exaggerated facial expressions were always clear, even on the monitor. “Take me where? We are going to the Rofflenet station, silly!”

Sam leaned over to Maxine, whispering, “Is that amends, exactly?”

Archie looped her arm through Five’s as they ran. “It’s going to be lots of fun today! We need barbed wire to make your township secure so you can come to the meeting. And maybe we’ll find some apples? I love apples! So crunchy! Well, the old ones are soft and sweet. All apples are good apples!”

They went on to the Rofflenet station, Archie happily chattering about what had happened at New Canton since Jo’s departure, her new collection of ABBA music, how Rofflenet stations worked – really anything that popped into her mind.

Sam understood Jo’s hesitation around Archie. She was certainly a lot of fun, but she wasn’t exactly…what was the word? Mission-focused. It was sort of a miracle Five didn’t have to stop her from chasing after a butterfly every thirty seconds. Jo knew how to have a good time, but in the field, she was focused.

“This one’s very well looked after,” Archie said, arriving at the repeater station. “A fence, and barbed wire. Like a little bird in a nest! It won’t mind if we take some of the wire for now. And then you can come and visit New Canton, because you’ll know Abel will be…” She gasped. “Chickens!”

“Abel will be…chickens?” Sam said, at the same moment that Jo exclaimed, “Shit, Archie, get back here!”

“Look, she’s right!” Maxine said, pointing at the screen. “On our cams, just to the north of the repeater station. It looks like a small flock of chickens. It must have come from some farm.”

“Now, I don’t know how to, um, flash a router with a WD-40 or whatever it was, but I am pretty sure that chickens produce…eggs?” Sam said.

“And sometimes baby chickens!” Archie exclaimed.

“Which makes more eggs?”

“Your grasp of biology is really impressive,” Maxine deadpanned.

“Not that impressive,” Jo interjected “I don’t see any roosters. You do know how babies are made, right Sam?”

“I…yes!” he sputtered, blushing. Maxine snorted.

Archie crept up on one of the hens. “That’s okay, little chicken, we’re going to take you back to Abel and give you a nice life, with grain and things to peck!”

“At least until we roast you with a wild mushroom sauce,” he whispered.

Jo cut off a laugh. “Sam, be nice.” She tucked a chicken into her pack while Archie cuddled another under one arm.

“Oh, she’s so happy now!” Archie squealed. Sam wasn’t sure how she could tell; the chicken looked fairly disoriented to him. “I’m going to give her a name!”

“Oh, don’t do that! We might want to, well, you know, eat her.”

“You don’t eat hens, Sam,” Jo said. “That’s roosters. Look how tiny she is.”

“I will call her Mildred!” Archie announced. “Or maybe Van de Graaff? Do you think she’s more of a Mildred or a Van de Graaff, Five?”

“I…don’t know how to answer that,” Five replied.

Sam sighed. So much for mission-focus. “Yeah, okay. Uh, so, with the chicken under that arm, and Five’s chicken rather more sensibly nestled in a backpack, off to get that barbed wire now? To defend Abel against attack by zombies? You remember the zombies?”

“Come on, Van de Graaff!” Archie said to her chicken. “Let’s go for a run!” They stopped by the fence. “Okay, I see. There are strips of barbed wire attached around the fence keeping zombies from the transmission hut. So, if I stand here, and –”

“Yes,” Sam cut in before she could get distracted. “You stand there, with the chicken in your hand, and snip the barbed wire, and Five, you run around the fence and reel it in. You’ve got gloves, yeah? Um…we sent Runner Five out with gloves to get barbed wire, yeah?”

“I’m pretty sure,” Maxine replied.

“You did,” Five said.

“Oh, yeah, we have gloves. Good for getting chickens. Not so good for stroking chickens.” Archie demonstrated. “Hmm. I wonder if chickens like to be stroked. Do you think they do?” She directed her question to Five.

“Little busy, Archie,” she replied, winding the wire around her gloved hands.

“Good job with the barbed wire, Runner Five!” Sam said, trying to get Archie back on task. Archie made a disgusted noise. “What is it? Zoms?”

“Oh god, the chicken shit on her,” Five replied.

“Mildred Van de Graaff has gone poopoo all over my hand! Oh, it’s coming out of her bottom!”

“Come on, Archie,” Five said, struggling with the wire. “That cannot be the grossest thing you’ve come in contact with in the past few months.”

Archie gasped. “I dropped her! Come here, Van de Graaff, come here!” She chased after the chicken.

“Jesus Christ,” Five muttered.

“Mildred! Van de Graaff! You naughty girl, come here! No, don’t, don’t! Don’t go through the fence! No!”

“The chicken has gone under the fence. I repeat, the chicken has gone under the fence,” Sam deadpanned. Jo snorted.

Archie tried to climb over the fence, not seeming to notice Sam’s quip that Five had cleared all of the wire herself. “Come here, Mildred Van de Graaff! There’s nothing for you in that transmission hut. When I just get over this fence, I’m going to –”

An explosion rattled the cams. Jo dropped the barbed wire and drew her gun.

“What?” Sam asked. He couldn’t tell what happened.

“Mildred Van de Graaff has exploded.”

“Oh my god, there are feathers everywhere,” Five said, mildly stunned, holstering her gun.

Sam stared at the screen. “So, what, we’re thinking – spontaneous chicken combustion? Chicken, uh, destruction rays from space?”

“Land mines,” Archie replied.

“Yeah, I was pretty much thinking land mines,” Maxine said.

“I don’t know what else it would’ve been,” Jo added.

“Yeah, yeah, well, that was my first thought, too,” he said, embarrassed. “We should send someone back to put up warning signs, in case anyone else thinks of scaling the fence.”

“Well, now you can help me carry wire,” Jo replied, hefting a coil at Archie.

“I’m sad. Mildred Van de Graaff is dead,” Archie said.

“And she didn’t even end up as supper.”

Maxine smacked him. “Sam!”

“Listen, I didn’t make a joke about an egg-splosion, did I? Don’t’ say I’m not resp-egg-tful.”

“Oh my god,” Jo muttered.

Maxine laughed. “Yeah, well, that’s a _poultry_ excuse! Oh, well, it looks like we got enough barbed wire to patch that hole. Come on home.”

The two runners packed up the barbed wire in Archie’s chicken-less bag while she bemoaned the loss of her feathered companion. “And why would someone put landmines around this little hut in the middle of nowhere? Why have they not thought of chicken safety?”

“Yeah, it is a bit weird,” Sam replied. “Whoever designed the protection around this little comms hut did a… _bang-up job_?”

Maxine glared at him. “Did you honestly just say that?”

“I think I did, yeah. I started, and I just couldn’t make it stop.”

“Alright, you two, enough,” Jo scolded.

“Sorry, Five.”

“Seriously. Those jokes are just _fowl_.”

Sam burst out laughing. Maxine shook her head. “Oh my god, you two really are soulmates,” she said under her breath.

The runners returned to Abel. Archie took the barbed wire to the raw supply area, and Sam met Jo at the gate, anxious to meet the surviving chicken. She was bigger than Mildred with almost iridescent black feathers. She looked around peacefully. Sam picked a feather out of Jo’s hair.

“Runner Five!” Jo turned towards Janine’s voice. “Is what I heard from Dr. Myers correct? There were landmines around the repeater station?”

“Seems that way,” Jo replied, shifting the docile chicken against her hip. This one apparently lacked Mildred’s mischievous streak.

“Hm. That is very odd. But you accomplished your task, and we got a new food source out of it. There’s a small fenced in area near the farm where she should be safe until a proper chicken coop can be constructed. Take her there.”

“Will do. Let’s go, Janine.”

“Why would I go with you?”

Jo’s face twisted as she tried not to smile. “Oh! No, sorry, that’s confusing. The chicken is also named Janine.”

Sam started to laugh, then quickly swallowed it at the sight of human-Janine’s glare.

She stared at Five for a long moment. “Why on earth would the chicken share my name?”

“Just look at her!” Jo held the chicken up, wings carefully pinned. “She’s very dignified. And look how pretty she is!” She grinned and took the chicken towards the farm.

Janine shook her head at the runner’s retreating form. “I do not know what you see in her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remembered while I was replaying this section: "Canada" is the mission where I decided I loved Janine. She is badass and in charge and very awkward and I would die for her.
> 
> Question: how drunk would Janine have to be before Jo could get her to belt Celine Dion with her? I may be forced to answer that in a future fic.
> 
> Oh PS I had a snow day, so the next chapter's already up.


	8. I Wanna Get Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers through S2M10

_I didn’t know I was lonely ‘til I saw your face.  
_ _I didn’t know I was broken ‘til I wanted to change._

[ _I Wanna Get Better – Bleachers_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5osPtE7kXI)

Most days, Evan Deaubl liked his job as Head of Runners, even if it was a made up title. Most days, he led a team of skilled, effective, vaguely-mature adults. Other days, it felt more like he was a weary single dad raising a dozen surly teenagers who picked stupid fights with each other. What he had to say could very well leave today as one of the latter days.

The new runner dorms were the first finished in Abel’s rebuild. It was a generously sized building, with a common area, a couple of very small bathrooms, and private rooms, tiny though they were. Enough space for a cot and a set of drawers and not much more, but private nonetheless. It was a luxury any day of the apocalypse, but especially after the past couple of months. First it had been cramped conditions at New Canton. Now they were spread out, but no more comfortable. A few were camped on the rec room floor. A handful of others opted for tents outside. Five was still sleeping in the comms shack, though no one heard her complaining. Evan knew they were all ready to have actual dorm space back, but the mistake the builders had made was going to make room assignments delicate.

The runners were a far cry from the miserable group he’d found at New Canton after returning from the mission Janine had sent him on. Being home had done them all good, even if hijinks were at an all-time high. So long as they were in good fun Evan didn’t care to interfere.

One of the other additions in the rebuild had been a runner briefing room just off the training grounds. It was certainly going to be useful. He cleared his throat, getting the attention of the rowdy bunch.

“Good morning, runners. I have good news for all of you.”

“It’s true then?” One asked. “The runner dorms are done?”

“Are we really gettin’ our own rooms?” Fourteen asked.

“Yes, the rumors are true. The runner dorms are complete, and you will all have private quarters.”

The runners cheered, some high-fiving. “Thank god,” Thirteen said. “I’m sick of listening to these two snore.”

“Why all the suspense, Seven? You gonna let us go pick out our rooms or what?” That was Three.

“About that. There was a small mistake made during construction.”

“Oh no,” Four said. “Someone’s gonna have to share, aren’t they?”

“No, Four, there are still enough rooms for everyone, with some to spare as we add runners. But the proportions are off in two. One of the rooms is a bit smaller, and one is larger than the rest.”

Everyone was quiet for a moment. “So…” Five said, breaking the silence. “Who gets what?”

“Shouldn’t you get the smallest room, Five? Seeing as you are the smallest runner?” Three said with a smirk.

“Hey! Jody’s smaller than me!”

“Only by an inch!” Four protested.

“I will be taking the smallest room, I don’t mind,” Evan said. “As for the largest –”

“That should go to the person who’s been here longest, right?” Three suggested.

“I suppose you think that’s you?” Fourteen asked. “I’ve been here longer, so have Seventeen and Four. And Eleven, come to think of it.”

“Besides, we are not giving the room to someone with access to what I assume is a four-poster bed,” Five said.

“King-sized at that,” Three said smugly. “Not that I know what you’re referring to.”

“Sure you don’t.”

“Careful, Five,” Three said. “Mutually assured destruction, remember?”

“Like everyone doesn’t know about you,” she muttered. “You did call her _Jenny_ on comms yesterday, remember?”

“What if we had, like, a contest?” Eleven asked. “Whoever’s the fastest, strongest runner gets it.” Everyone buzzed about that idea.

“Oh, Ky, you don’t think that’s you, do you?” Thirteen replied.

“I’d be on board with that,” Five said. “Then I’d finally have tangible proof I’m better than Simon.”

“Oh, dream on, Five.”

“As for the largest,” Evan repeated, slightly louder this time, “I was thinking it’s only fair we draw names.”

The room deflated. “Oh. Yeah. I guess that makes sense,” Eleven said.

“That’s probably the most fair,” Four agreed.

“Wait, wait,” Five said, looking like she was thinking. “Kytan’s on to something. The person who deserves it most…well, that’s not any of us, is it?”

“You have an idea, Five?” Evan asked.

“You said there are plenty of rooms, right Seven? More than we need for the runners who are here? Think about it: who would really deserve a larger room? Who’s actually been here longest, who’s done the most for all of us?”

Evan considered this. “Hm. I think you may have a point.”

* * *

“Where are you all taking me?” There was a note of real concern in Sam’s voice. Simon could hardly blame him. If a dozen-odd runners had showed up at the comms shack, blindfolded him, and told him to trust them…well, Simon could’ve fought them off. But if he were Sam he’d probably be nervous too.

“You’ll see!” Jody chirped. “It’s a surprise!”

Everyone had quickly agreed to Five’s plan to give Sam the biggest room in the runner dorm. And why wouldn’t they? It was like she said: Sam had been here longest, done the most for them, really did deserve it most. She was clever, that Five, Simon had to hand it to her.

They’d quickly gone to work to set it up – Maxine was all too happy to get Sam’s things that didn’t fit in the comms shack out of the hospital. Jody had stress-knit a blanket at New Canton, so she gave him that too.

The swarm of runners guided him into the dorm and down to the end of the hall, Jody on one side of him, Jordan on the other. “Seriously, guys, you’re making me nervous here. Are you still there, Five?”

“I’m still here, Sam. I won’t let anything happen to you,” she responded. Simon rolled his eyes.

They stopped in front of the open door. Jody stood on tip toes to remove the blindfold. “Alright! Here we are!”

Sam stared into the room. “What…what am I looking at?”

“It’s your room!” Jody exclaimed.

“Wait…seriously? I’m in here with you guys?”

“Yeah, man! It was weird not having you around at New Canton. This way you can’t get rid of us,” Jordan said.

Evan was hanging towards the back of the group. “One of the rooms is bigger than the rest, Sam. We decided we’d rather it go to you than fight over it. Five’s idea, actually.”

Sam turned to look at Five, who winked back at him. He turned bright red.

“Oh my god, you guys! This is amazing, thank you!”

“Here, look, we’ve already got some of your stuff,” Jody said, ushering him inside. Most of the others followed.

Five stood back and let everyone else enjoy the moment. No doubt she’d have Sam to herself at some point later. With everyone else out of earshot, Simon started slow clapping. Five turned. “Oh, well played Five. Just beautifully done.”

She furrowed her brow. “What are you talking about, Simon?”

“I wasn’t sure what you were on about at first. I mean, hero of Abel Township or not, we’ve all got a self-serving streak. Why would you give up a chance to get the biggest room? And then it hit me: Sam getting the room _is_ you getting the room.”

“Is it now?”

“Mhm.”

“And, what, I couldn’t have done this because I care about Sam?”

“Not entirely. Maybe that’s part of it, but I see you tryin’ to keep that smirk off your face.”

She folded her arms, smugly looking towards the room. “I’m playing the long game, my friend. And I’m playing it on multiple fronts.”

* * *

The New Canton runner joined Jo just outside the gates. He wasn’t dressed like a runner; they’d sent her one of the damn Permanent Advisory Council for today’s run. She fought the urge to roll her eyes. She’d agreed to the mission, but that didn’t mean she was happy about it.

“Runner Five,” he greeted her. “You’re with me today. But how rude I am. I am Esteban; Esteban Sosa. I am Director of Logistics and Infrastructure of the New Canton Permanent Advisory Council.”

Fantastic. A bureaucrat.

“Your Sam has lent you to me today. He wasn’t happy…overprotective, I think.”

That was putting it mildly. Sam had practically hit the ceiling when Janine told him New Canton not only wanted Runner Five to join them on a run but would be handling it out of their own comms. It was part of the peace talks that had occurred between the two settlements. They were allies now, the Fraternal Alliance (which seemed like a strange choice given Abel’s name and the ill-fated Biblical brothers). Lem had left instructions to Nadia to go to his house if the worst should happen to him. It was a mission New Canton had been meaning to undertake for some time, and they thought bringing Five along would be a show of good faith for both settlements.

Jo fingered the necklaces she was no longer used to wearing. She adjusted the red bandana she hadn’t quite tied correctly around her head. They were personal effects she’d thought had been lost when she crossed the Atlantic: a bandana she’d bought in college, dog tags belonging to a fallen friend, and a necklace with a silver charm that had belonged to her brother. The Major had recently returned them with apologies; apparently she should’ve gotten them back upon arriving at Mullins. The Major also said Jo hadn’t been treated the way she’d expected at Mullins. That, again, was putting it mildly.

Phil, one of New Canton’s radio hosts, was guiding the mission, and he didn’t seem like the best choice.

“I suppose you’re wondering why we’re going to Lem’s house,” Esteban said.

“Not really,” Phil replied. “He left that note with –“

“I was talking to Runner Five, Philip.” Esteban looked at her. “I’m going to lay all my cards on the table, here. We want Nadia back on the job.”

Jo exhaled, a steady breath designed to keep her fists from clenching. Of course there was an ulterior motive. Resource or not, Nadia was not someone Jo wanted on her team.

“But Nadia tried to kill Runner Five!” Phil protested. “Maybe Runner Five doesn’t want to do nice things for her.” Jo suddenly appreciated the man a little bit more.

“Perhaps. That’s why I want to talk to you, Five. Bring you up to speed on Nadia’s resume.”

She’d been an air traffic controller. That made sense; attempted murderer or not, Nadia was highly competent, very good at her job. Before finding out about Lem’s headset, Jo had never felt unsafe with Nadia on comms (even if she was uncomfortable).

“We knew she’d be a perfect fit for the radio operator’s job, but she disagreed. She had lost faith in herself.”

Jo knew that feeling.

“It’s true, but Lem talked her around,” Phil interjected. “He told her she could save lives, and she did! We’ve only lost three runners since she took over.”

“Three,” Esteban echoed. “How many has your Sam lost, Runner Five?”

“Allowing for the fact that Abel lacks New Canton’s _considerable_ resources?” Jo retorted, venom sneaking into her voice. Insulting Sam really wasn’t the way to get her on your side.

She and Esteban shook a few zoms near a school. Zombie children. Jo shuddered, thinking of Maggie. God, she missed that girl.

Esteban sent Phil to fetch Nadia. Jo grit her teeth.

“We’re close now, Five,” he said. “Lem’s house is on Church Road. This is only a few streets away if you know the maps. But perhaps your Major doesn’t give you maps. I know she likes to micromanagement from the top down.”

“Oh, nothing so deep as that,” Jo replied. “In case the accent didn’t tip you off, I’m not from around here. That’s what my operator’s for.”

Esteban ignored her. “The hostility between Abel and New Canton…I suppose you blamed us. But it is Abel that has always been the predatory player in the marketplace, thanks to your Major De Santa.”

Jo let herself roll her eyes this time. She’d lived at New Canton long enough to know Esteban had no room to be talking about micromanagement or predatory behavior. Two days since the successful peace summit, and they were already trying to sow discord?

“She and Janine, they have secrets. If I were you, I would be careful about trusting my life –”

A voice on the radio cut him off. “Rubbish!”

“What?”

“It’s Sam! Janine’s been trying to boost our signal range. I heard that! And you guys wonder why we don’t trust you!”

He’d been so obstinate about letting her go on this mission in the first place, of course he was listening in. Just as well; Jo felt safer with him watching over her anyway.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never had these doubts yourself, Sam,” Esteban said.

“No, actually, I haven’t. I’d be dead if it wasn’t for the Major. Everyone in Abel would. She saved our lives, gave us a home! Well, Janine’s home.”

“And did you ever ask why? Why a military officer took in so many civilians? Why she didn’t return to the Army where she belongs?”

Truth be told, Jo had asked herself these questions, though not in the distrustful way Esteban did. She knew more than most Abel residents, but Sara had died before she’d gotten a full briefing on Project Greenshoot. That’s why the Major was here, no question. But Jo still didn’t know what her real purpose was.

“We’re nearly there, Runner Five,” Esteban said. The next turning is on Church Road. But I hear zombies, I think. Perhaps you will concentrate on that, Sam.”

“I’m sure he has it covered. He always does,” Jo said, testily. This man was wearing on her nerves.

Lem’s house was massive. Jo was reminded of the upper class Atlanta suburbs where most of her classmates had lived. It was a far cry from rural King County, nearly an hour away from the magnet school she’d attended. It was hard not to resent Lem a little bit, just for a moment.

“Lem was a wealthy man,” Esteban said, as if reading her mind. “But he made all the money himself. Nadia tells me he grew up in a care home.”

They evaded some zombies down the drive, and Esteban unlocked the door. Somehow, the entryway alone was even more impressive than the outside of the house.

“So many trophies!” Esteban remarked. “I have never seen so many trophies for the sports. Oh, and that cannot be a Nobel Prize in chemistry, surely! Hmm, but then, why is Lem shaking hands with Kofi Annan in this photograph?”

Jo was completely distracted by the Olympic medal for luge across the room from Esteban. She’d known Lem had been a good man, but was he superhuman?

“Alright, there’s no time for this, guys,” Sam said. “The zoms are tearing at the door, you’ve got seconds until…ugh, yeah, they’re in.”

“There are arrows painted on the floor,” Esteban said. They followed them up the stairs and found a Dictaphone. They followed another set of arrows out an emergency exit, stopping to stuff their packs full from a weapons cache. They were clear once they were away from the house.

“Philip? Philip?”

Jo shot Esteban an unfair glare; true, he couldn’t know the operator shared his name with the man who’d given her the scar on her jaw, but really, everyone else called him Phil. Why the formality?

“Yeah, I’m back,” Phil confirmed.

“And Nadia?”

“I’m here.” Her voice was far more timid than usual. “Hello, Esteban. And…and Runner Five.”

“Nadia,” Jo replied coolly.

“We have been to Lem’s house, Nadia, as the note told you. There was a tape, and your name is on it. Should I play it for you?” Esteban asked.

“Yes, please.”

Lem’s voice joined them through a hacking cough. “Honey, listen, I haven’t got much time. I always intended to leave you this message, if the worst happened. It’s going to be shorter than I’d hoped, though. Just took me so long to get here. Dammit. I’ve seen it too often to kid myself about what’s coming. No point in making a big song and dance about it. And there’s no point in saying I love you. You know that, don’t you? Of course you do.”

Nadia started to cry.

“You’re a clever girl. I just wish you didn’t dwell on things so much. Not healthy. You’ll dwell on my death. There, I said it. My death. And you’re young, and so beautiful. This world may seem grim right now, but you’ve got so much to live for. Try to see the best in people, Nadia, and in yourself. You’re such a good person. Such a big heart. Don’t let my death change that. It’s the one thing I couldn’t bear.”

“You have got to be kidding me,” Jo muttered. This was the man Nadia had tried to kill her over. And this was what he wanted.

“Be brave, honey. I’ll be watching you. Lem out.” Esteban cut off the recording as Lem continued to cough.

Nadia was sobbing noisily now. “I’m sorry,” she choked out. “I’m so sorry!”

“We’re coming home now, Nadia,” Esteban told her. “Then you and Runner Five will talk. And we’ll all make a fresh start, because that is what Lem wanted.

It was a quiet run back to New Canton. Even Sam didn’t quite know what to say. Jo followed Esteban up to their comms station. Phil was fidgeting uncomfortably in his seat. Nadia was next to him, eyes puffy from crying. When she saw Jo they filled with shame.

Jo had never really looked at Nadia before. She’d always tried to spend as little time with her as possible. She was close to Jo’s age, probably a little bit older, and there was a dignity to her, even through her distress. And there was pain. She was as broken and hurting as the rest of them, and she’d let her pain force her into making a terrible mistake.

Jo could relate to that. And she knew what she had to do.

“Could you give us the room please?” Jo asked the two men. Esteban’s eyes darted to her holster. Jo unhooked the entire thing, and the sheath for her knife, and handed him both weapons. “Take them.”

He did, then looked back at Nadia, who nodded. Funny, him worrying Nadia wasn’t safe with her after what happened. He and Phil left, closing the door behind them.

Jo took Phil’s seat and turned so she was facing Nadia. The two women stared at each other for a long moment.

“There was a day I would’ve killed you for what you did,” Jo said finally. “I need you to know that. Not because I want to scare you, but because I want you to know I used to be something else. When I got to Abel that changed. I’m not that person anymore. I don’t have to be.”

“Five, –”

Jo held up a hand to stop her. “No. Please let me talk.” Nadia nodded. “Abel and New Canton – we’re allies now. We don’t have to be what we were. And I am not naïve enough to think that calling ourselves the Fraternal Alliance magically fixes all of our problems, because it doesn’t. That happens when we actively choose to stop being what we were and work together instead. And I want that. I don’t want to dwell on what happened or what we were. I want to deal with it and move on. But Nadia?” The other woman’s eyes were in her lap. She looked up. “Don’t ever fuck with me again. Is that clear?”

Nadia swallowed hard. “Yes.”

“Good.” Jo extended her hand. “Then we can be friends.” Nadia tentatively took her hand and squeezed. With that, Jo stood to leave the room. She didn’t want a long, drawn-out apology. Nadia had made a mistake. They both knew it. And she wasn’t going to repeat it.

“Five?”

Jo turned back.

“I really am sorry.”

She nodded. “I know. And my name is Johanna, by the way. You can use it.”

She left the room and collected her weapons from Esteban. “You can tell Janine and the Major that Nadia’s reinstatement has my full support.

Esteban nodded. “I am glad to hear that. Thank you, Runner Five.”

The headset was quiet until she was clear of New Canton.

“Jo?”

“Yeah, Sam?”

“You know your mic was on that whole time, right? That I heard everything you said?”

“I know. I meant for you to hear.”

“Why?”

“Because if I’m letting this go, so are you.”


	9. Call My Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, I threw some ZRTM vibes in this one. If you haven't listened to it yet, do that. Ya girl will be popping up in Act II as Veronica McShell too, sooo.
> 
> Spoilers for S2M12.

_Love runs its course,  
_ _A mark on a scoreboard,  
_ _So I nail my heart  
_ _Under the floorboard._

[ _Call My Name – The Unlikely Candidates_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQIb8nprQF0)

_“Do you remember that first winter in Bristol?” Paula asked. “It rained for six weeks straight. I thought our poor little garden would drown.”_

_“That’s right!” Maxine said laughing. “Our landlord swore everything would come back in spring, but I thought it was going to stay grey forever.”_

_“And then, the first week of summer, one little rose opened. And it was the most beautiful thing we’d ever seen.”_

_Maxine smiled. She had missed her partner so much. She wanted to tangle her fingers in her auburn curls, to touch her face, memorize the features so she’d never be without her. But when she reached out, her hand went right through her._

_“Paula?”_

Maxine picked her head up off the desk with a jolt. She’d fallen asleep on her notes. She sighed and rubbed her temples as she came back to reality.

Paula’s face had been haunting her dreams even more than usual lately. Ever since the footage from Archie’s headcam had come to light, it was all Maxine could do to keep the new information about her partner from overwhelming her. Janine had sat her down and gently (for Janine) explained that not only was Paula working with Van Ark, but she was half zombie, stuck on the same plasmapheresis process as Van Ark himself. After that, Maxine had buried herself in her work, perfecting the anti-zombie spray. It fueled her, knowing she was working directly against the man who’d stolen Paula from her.

Sam kept trying to get her to talk about it, but she just couldn’t. If they wanted her to be of any use to them, she had to keep everything to herself for now. He was worried about her. Jo was too; she hadn’t said as much, but she’d been spending a lot more time in the hospital lately. She was seeing more patients so Maxine could lock herself in the lab. If anyone understood burying yourself in work as a coping mechanism, it was Jo.

“Maxine?”

Speak of the devil.

“In here, Jo.”

She poked her head in Maxine’s office. “Hey. Just wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything before this afternoon’s mission.”

“I’m good, Jo, thanks.”

“Alright, well, you’re clearly lying, but I’m not going to push you. Here’s half my lunch. Feed yourself, ok?”

She took the food. “You sure you don’t need this before you run?”

“Yeah, I’m good, I’ll stick a protein bar in my pack just in case.” She started to leave but turned back. “Listen…and this is all I’m going to say on the subject, because Sam more than has the badgering covered, but I’m kind of an expert on keeping things bottled up. It doesn’t work forever. Eventually you’re going to have to talk about your feelings.”

Maxine cocked an eyebrow. “You’re one to talk.”

“Yeah, I know, but I’m dealing with my shit now, remember? I got a journal and everything.”

“Those aren’t the feelings I’m talking about, Johanna.”

The runner sighed. “What did Simon tell you?”

“Nothing…”

“Maxine. I saw you two talking the other day. I’m not oblivious. That’s Sam.”

“Is this your way of admitting there’s something to talk about?”

Jo narrowed her eyes. “Alright. I’ll make you a deal. You talk about Paula, I’ll answer one – _one_ \- question.”

Maxine sighed. “Alright, tough but fair. Right before you came in…I had a dream about her. I guess I’d fallen asleep at my desk. We were talking about the garden at our house in Bristol, but when I went to touch her she disappeared. I guess that sort of mirrors how I’m feeling – she’s nearby, but I can’t get to her. That good enough?”

Jo nodded. “For now.”

“Ok, my turn…why the hell haven’t you made a move with Sam?”

“Because I don’t want to push him into something he’s not ready for.”

“Jo –”

“Nope! No commentary. You have your answer. If this is going to happen it is going to happen naturally and not because someone feels pressured. So I am not going to pretend like the feelings aren’t there, but I’m also not going to make any sudden moves. I’ll just…continue putting myself out there without, you know, being completely overt about it.”

Maxine folded her arms. “And you’re really going to be content to wait around for Sam to figure things out for himself? I mean, no offense, but you don’t strike me as the most patient of women.”

Jo started to answer then shut her mouth. She drummed her fingers on the desk for a second. “Admittedly I’ve only thought this through in the short-term.”

“Mhm. Sure. Let me know how it works out for you.”

“What do you mean, ‘let me know?’ That implies you’re not going to insist on being inextricably involved every step of the way.”

“Oh, come on, my girlfriend is half-zombie, this is a welcome distraction.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She turned to leave. “I’ll see you later, Max.”

“Wait! I talked about Paula again, doesn’t that mean I get another question?”

Jo turned. “Ugh fine, what?”

She thought for a minute, then smirked. “You wouldn’t share a bed with just anyone, would you?”

“No, and frankly it’s baffling that Sam hasn’t picked up on that.”

“HA! I knew it!”

“Bye, Maxine!”

* * *

“They’re all around us, Sam!” Archie cried.

She was right. There were zoms closing in from every direction, no doubt drawn by the shrieking children. Jo shifted the child so he was holding on to her neck, freeing her arms.

“Can’t you outrun them?” Sam asked. “Head out to the side, out of their reach.”

“We’re trying! But the children – we can’t drop the children, and they’re so heavy.”

Jo tried to think, but the little boy was whining in her ear. She didn’t blame him, but it was distracting. If Archie could take the boy for a minute, maybe she could shoot them a path. But Archie was having enough troubling balancing her own charge. And she didn’t want to use her gun with the kid that close.

“There must be something!” Sam said. He was starting to sound panicky. “You’re not going to die here, and you’ve got to save those children.”

“Yes, that would be lovely, to be saved, but I don’t think…” Archie stopped. “No, wait. I hear…do you hear that?”

“Yeah, it sounds like an engine.”

A red truck came into view. Jo couldn’t believe her eyes. It was a fire engine. It came to a stop behind them, and a man jumped out. He turned on the fire hose and mowed down the zoms surrounding them. Within a matter of seconds they were safe.

“Jamie! Jamie!” The little girl starting squirming in Archie’s arms.

He stalked towards them, looking unhappy. “Gimme them kids,” he ordered.

“Yep, here, take it,” Jo said, letting the boy jump into his arms.

“He’s not an it, he’s a kid, what’s wrong with you?”

“Yes, here you go,” Archie said, giving him the little girl. He turned without a word and walked away from them. “We can…oh, okay. Well, we’ll just follow you? What about the truck?”

“No petrol, innit?” he called.

Jo and Archie followed after him before the zombies had a chance to recover from the deluge. The man was very tall, and his strides made it hard to keep up. He didn’t seem to care that he was losing them.

“Wait, slow down, Mister Fireman!” Archie said.

“Maybe you ain’t noticed,” he replied, “but there’s a couple of zombies – my mistake – a couple _hundred_ zombies behind us?”

“He has got a point,” Sam said.

“Yes, I know,” Archie said, unperturbed by the man’s bad mood. “Hello, I’m Archie, and this is Runner Five.”

“That’s a stupid name.”

“What the fuck?” Jo muttered under her breath.

“Well, it’s actually –”

“Don’t worry, I don’t actually care.”

“So you’re…”

“He’s Jamie!” the little girl chirped. “Jamie’s nice!”

Clearly.

“Yes, he seems very nice,” Archie said. God, Archie was too optimistic for her own good sometimes.

“What were you doing back there?” he demanded. “Idiots! You nearly got Carena and Jasper killed!”

“We were trying to rescue them!” Archie protested.

“Yeah, nice job.”

“Oh, I take it you would rather we’d let the zombies get to them first?” Jo snarked.

“We didn’t rescue them, but we tried! You were better.” Archie giggled. “Are they your children? Where is their mommy? Is she your…girlfriend?”

Jo rolled her eyes. She could not be serious.

Apparently, these were just two of the children Lem had being helping him with. He clearly cared about them, but he certainly didn’t seem to like them very much.

“Better to live in a fire station than a school,” Archie said. “Because schools do not have poles to slide down like Batman! Do you slide down like Batman, with your…maybe your boyfriend?”

Jamie sighed. “No girlfriend, no boyfriend. Just me and about ten million school children.” He turned back towards the runners. “Here, you two – take them. I need a break. Try and keep up this time.”

“Great,” Jo said. “I get the one that bites.”

She had never cared much for kids, even before the apocalypse. Molly was the exception, and only because she reminded Jo of her niece, who’d been the exception before that. She couldn’t help feeling bonded to her brother’s daughter, but even still, she’d kept her distance. She was good enough at hurting adults; she hadn’t wanted to risk ruining a child. Frankly, Sam talking to Maxine about whether or not she wanted kids had given her a bit of a stomachache.

Archie continued shamelessly flirting with the fireman, despite his frosty reception. Jo wasn’t sure if she was more annoyed with the squirming child making it difficult to run or her partner’s lack of focus. Sure Jamie was good-looking, but he didn’t seem all that nice, and they weren’t out of trouble yet. And he clearly wasn’t interested in her advances. It was making Jo a little uncomfortable to watch him repeatedly shoot her down.

“Who are you talking to?” Jamie asked.

“Sam,” Archie replied. “He is the Abel Township radio operator. Say hello, Sam!”

“He can’t actually hear me, remember?” Sam said.

“Oh yes, that’s right! So it’s just you and me!” Archie looked to her right. “And Runner Five, of course.”

“Oh, just pretend I’m not here,” Jo said. “I certainly am.”

Archie sped up so she was matching pace with Jamie, leaving Jo behind them. “Why are you looking after all those children, Jamie? Do you want to be a daddy? I mean, not now, but maybe someday?”

“Jesus, Archie, be more obvious,” Jo said.

“I used to want kids. That was before I knew any kids. They was visiting the fire station on a school trip when it all went tits up. Couldn’t let them go home, could I?”

“That was very noble of you!”

“Oh my god,” Sam muttered over the radio.

“Right?” Jo said back. “She has no shame.”

“Yeah, worst decision of my life,” Jamie said.

“You took care of them! You should be very proud! I am very proud of you.” Jo would swear Archie batted her eyes as she said that.

“Archie, we can all see what you’re doing,” Sam said.

“Yes. I am flirting. It’s fun,” Archie said with a smile.

The five of them continued back into Sam’s camera range. Jamie got defensive when they brought up bringing the kids back to Abel or New Canton. Apparently, worst decision of his life or not, he didn’t trust either settlement. He wasn’t willing to take orders from anyone else, even if it would’ve meant he could get some additional childcare.

“Uh, guys, those kids must be zombie magnets,” Sam said. “There’s two groups moving in, east and west. And…yeah, there’s a lot of them.”

Jo and Archie gave the kids back to Jamie. “Alright. Jamie, take this radio,” Archie said, handing it to him. You can contact us if you need. I’m Archie, or Runner Twenty. You can contact me anytime you want to. Or maybe when I’m running past this way, I’ll come and say hello. It would be nice to see you again.”

Jamie shook his head, but up close, he looked a little amused. Maybe Archie had made an impression. “Oh my word. You don’t give up, do you? And now you’re going to –”

“Me and Runner Five will lead the zombies away from you.” She started jogging backwards. “Hey, come on, zombies! Follow us! We’re super tasty with all the brains, and…the other organs too! Ha!”

Jamie looked at Jo. “She always like that?”

“Yeah, pretty much. But she’s got a good heart. I should go make sure she doesn’t hurt herself. Have fun with, uh…” she indicated the kids. “That.”

She caught up with Archie quickly.

“Well. That was fun, wasn’t it, Runner Five?”

“You’re referring to…what, hauling a couple squirmy, whining kids away from literally hundreds of zoms, then getting yelled at by an irritable fireman?”

“Meeting Jamie, I mean! I certainly enjoyed our time together. And those kids were very cute.”

“If you say so. My arms are going to be sore for a week. And that guy was rude. Seriously, Archie, what’s the appeal?”

“Flirting is fun!” she replied. “And he was so handsome. And good with kids. And the way his muscles –”

“Alright, alright, forget I asked,” Jo said.

“You’re doing well, guys,” Sam said over the radio, saving her from Archie’s rambling. “The zoms are dropping back. Just a bit further, and you’ll be clear.”

“And Jamie?” Archie asked.

“He’s fine. Got the kids back to the station.”

Archie smiled. “He’s nice, isn’t he Runner Five?”

“I feel like I’ve already made my opinion on that clear.”

Archie ignored her. “We think he’s nice.”

“I think he thinks you’re nice too, Archie,” Sam said. “Nadia says he’s called New Canton to send you a message.”

“Wait, really?” Jo said. “Well color me shocked.”

“Has he, has he??” Archie squealed. “Get it! Read it to me! No, don’t read it to me. I want to read it by myself.”

“You got a love letter!” Sam sing-songed.

“Not love!” Archie said with a giggle. “Too soon for love. You’re so silly and English. Maybe like letter. Yay. I will send him a like letter back.”

Jo shook her head, laughing. “My god, Archie. I cannot believe that worked.”

“That’s why you should always go after what you want!” Archie said. “If you like something, you should say so. What’s the worst thing that can happen?”

“Uh, awkwardness, rejection, embarrassment, just to name a few,” Sam said, as if he had the list ready.

Jo tried not to smile. “I don’t know, Sam. Maybe she’s got a point.”


	10. Awake My Soul II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for mention of alcohol and Ian Golightly being a creep. I hate that man so much. 
> 
> Spoilers for S2M13

_Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see;  
_ _But your soul you must keep totally free_

[ _Awake My Soul – Mumford and Sons_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFQVtIiRDuA)

Simon split the crawler’s skull with a sickening thwack. He was having entirely too much fun treating this mission like a game of whack-a-mole, which he’d just mansplained in detail as if Jo were not also a child of the ‘80s.

This was just the latest in a string of missions that took a strange turn. Today, at least, she wasn’t getting ordered about by Girl Guides or chased for trying to take a census or protecting a singer from a horde of her zombified fans (although she would trade any number of coveted supplies to hear Janine singing a pop song again – that had pretty much been the highlight of her year).

And truth be told, this was far preferable to leading a hapless reporter through the zombie-ridden streets while he over-dramatically detailed their escape. The man was an idiot, no doubt about it, and had been almost wholly useless. And after she’d saved his life and gotten them back to Abel, he’d had the audacity to come on to her. He’d offered her a _private, exclusive interview_ with a leer that had made her skin crawl and reminded her of every other man who’d ever looked at her like she was a prize to be claimed. Luckily, Janine had swooped in and rescued her before she’d felt the need to sock him. No doubt that would’ve made quite the story for the readers of the _New Times_ (if there even were any readers).

A week later, the finished article described her as “the daring and resourceful Runner Five, a silent girl who’d certainly be more attractive were she not so prone to frowning.”

Sam thought it was hilarious. Then again, she’d never told him what happened.

Janine had (barely) talked her out of publishing a response on Rofflenet to inform Golightly’s readership that she’d managed to save the author’s life and complete her mission, all without smiling, and that this “girl” was nearing 30 and should be addressed as _Doctor_ , not Miss, thank you very much.

Yes, all in all, she’d take whack-a-zom any day.

“Buried zoms get you two, unless you miss. Five for crawlers, and ten for shamblers, and uh, oh! Thirteen if you get a headshot. Twenty-five and a power-up for sprinters, but I wouldn’t recommend that until you’ve leveled up.”

Jo quickly dispatched two with her own bat. “Leveled-up? The hell you think you’re talking to, Simon?”

“Oh, you’re kidding me, right?” Sam said. “Five, no one is keeping track of how many zombie points you get.”

She smacked another. “Pipe down, you. Honestly, I’m a little insulted it took y’all this long to let me in on your little competition.”

“Not mine!” Sam protested “I’m the one saying you shouldn’t be competing! Although…yeah, maybe I didn’t mention it to you because I know how competitive you get, especially around Runner Three.”

Simon called dibs on some crawlers two blocks ahead. He sprinted ahead of her.

“Oh, like hell!” she called, speeding up.

“Five, seriously, I’m not kidding here, please don’t do something stupid.”

Jo groaned. “Fine, fine, I’ll help Simon instead. But let it be known I am doing this for you, Sam.”

“And I appreciate you greatly. Just keep running steady. I think if you pass the crawlers at the pace you’re going, that should be enough to distract them and make them head in your direction.”

“While I sneak up the back and get twenty points!” Simon taunted her.

“Oh, I’ll get you, Lauchlan, don’t you worry.”

“How can you? You don’t have a partner. Alright, burst of speed…now!” The crawler to her left exploded on impact. “Yes! Got it! We keep going on like this, I’m going to hit a triple digit score one of these days.”

“Wait, wait a minute,” Sam interjected, “If a crawler’s worth five points, doesn’t Runner Five deserve two and a half of those?”

“Yeah, I do! And what do you mean, partner?” Jo asked.

Simon sighed. “Yes, fine, two and a half points each for me and Five. And I mean your kill pool partner. Mine’s Maxine.”

“What?? Why would Maxine want you?”

“Maybe because she knows I’m the winning choice.” He took out another crawler as Jo sped past it.

“Oh, please. You know, if we count all my kills from back in the states I’d probably pass even the late great Chris McShell.”

“Ahh, but we don’t! It resets every month, so I’m afraid you are shit out of luck, my friend.”

“How’s it looking?” Sam interrupted their bickering.

“Oh, nearly forty points now,” Simon said, smug.

“With the zombies? Obviously I did mean with the zombies.”

“Only forty points?” Maxine’s voice suddenly joined them. “Simon, there’s no way we’re beating Janine and Runner Seven this month with that score.”

Jo was dumbfounded. “ _Janine’s_ in on this? And Maxine Myers, I am furious with you!”

“What did I do?”

“You picked Simon as your partner over me?”

“Oh, don’t take it personally, Five, Simon’s been my partner since before you got here.”

“What are you so worked up about, Five?” Simon asked with a glint in his eye. “Worried about the rousing discussions we’ll get into in your absence?”

“As a matter of fact…” she trailed off intentionally.

She wasn’t actually upset with Simon for telling Maxine she was in love with Sam; it wasn’t as if the thought had never crossed her mind before. But she wasn’t about to let Simon know that, so she’d still retaliated by filling his non-running shoes with maple syrup. Apparently he’d tracked it all over Janine’s bedroom, which was certainly more than enough incentive for him to keep his mouth shut in the future.

“Got any more action in the area you want us to deal with?” Simon asked Sam. “Five and I are on a roll now, and if we can make it to fifty points, I reckon we can get our hands on one of those big prizes.”

“Oh my god, there are prizes? Seriously, why didn’t anyone tell me about this before?”

“I hear whoever wins the kill pool this month gets a bottle of whiskey,” Maxine said.

“Oh, that’s it, now I have to win,” Jo said. “I haven’t had any good whiskey since I got here, and lately it’s just been terrible British tequila that I haven’t quite figured out how to make into an apocalypse margarita.”

“No, no, everyone stop it! Three, Five, I do not want you going out and finding more zombies!” Sam was really worked up now. “Look, look, you’re engaging with hostiles in the field without backup! This is serious! This is life and death. It’s not time for jokes and messing around!” He paused. “Oh my god, I’ve turned into Janine.”

“Always thought your voice would get higher when that finally happened,” Simon teased.

Sam sighed. “Bring it home guys, yeah? There’s some movement about five kilometers west of you. I’d rather we avoid it.”

“Uh, so if you’re the new Janine, does that mean you’ll be posing for us in a bikini, now, too?” Simon waggled his eyebrows at Jo. “I feel like some of us might appreciate tha- OOF.”

Jo elbowed him in the crotch.

Sam was practically blushing through the radio. “Just run on home.”

* * *

“Seriously, Max, if you’re with Simon and Janine’s got Evan, and Sam doesn’t want to play, who am I supposed to team up with? Can I just not have a partner?”

Jo was still whining about the kill pool, spinning around in her office chair. She’d been complaining about them leaving her out when she got back from her run and apparently kept right on while she cleaned up and came back to the hospital. She was _supposed_ to be reorganizing medical files so Maxine could keep working on the zombie spray uninterrupted, but she had latched on to this slight and wouldn’t let go.

“Nope, one runner, one non-field person, that’s how it goes.”

“Then can I just say Sam is my partner whether he likes it or not?”

Maxine shot her a look.

Jo rolled her eyes. “Not what I meant, Maxine.”

“Yeah, sure it wasn’t. And actually, operator can’t play, that’s an old rule. Something about making sure the guy watching for trouble is actually focused on watching for trouble and not trying to win some game.”

“Hmph, fine, I guess that makes sense,” she grumbled. “Oh! What about Jack and Eugene?”

“Jack’s with Eleven, Eugene’s with Fourteen.”

She grumbled again. “Maybe I’ll ask Ed…”

Maxine hefted a stack of files onto the table. “ _Maybe_ you should do the job you’re here to do instead of whining at me all day. With the population growing I need these files reorganized. I have a list of birth year ranges for you. Sort them by age group, then alphabetize within each group. Sound like a plan?”

Jo took part of the stack. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get right on it. Joke’s on you, though, because I can organize and whine at the same time.”

“Lucky me.”

Despite her taunt, Jo set to her task quietly, making short work of the stack.

“Hey, Max?” she spoke up a few minutes later. “Are we…keeping files for deceased residents?”

“Uh, yeah, just make a separate pile for them, keep them together, regardless of age bracket.” Maxine looked up in time to see her place “Doane, Margaret L.” on the top corner of the table. “Sorry, I thought I pulled all of those.”

“It’s ok,” she replied, but she suddenly looked far away. “It’s funny…or, well, not funny, sort of terrible, but I forget she’s gone sometimes. And I don’t mean that I still expect to see her or anything like that…it’s more like I get so wrapped up in mourning Sara that I forget that Maggie’s dead too. I mean, she barely got a memorial when we were all back at New Canton. Just a dozen or so miserable runners silently sharing a bottle of cheap gin.”

Maxine looked at her friend’s regretful face, her downcast eyes staring at the file. Jo was usually so careful not to let anyone see the sorrow that lurked just under her skin. “Oh, Jo…I think Maggie would’ve understood. You were all in crisis mode back then. And, come on, all that snarking about New Canton? I think Maggie would consider that a fitting tribute.”

Jo smiled a little, but it didn’t touch her eyes. “Yeah…yeah, you’re probably right.” She quickly went back to work, as if to not invite any more discussion of the subject. She was quiet again for a few more minutes.

Then, “Oh my god!”

“What?”

Jo looked up with a roguish twinkle in her eye. “I’m older than Janine.”

Maxine crossed to her. “You are not.”

“I am! Look!” She pointed to Janine’s DOB. “I mean, only by three days, but I am!”

“Huh…would you look at that. Janine’s really not 30 yet?”

“Apparently not. Ohh, I am going to have so much fun with this!”

Maxine snatched the file. “Alright, enough, you. These are confidential medical files, you know.”

“Confidential medical files being read by a doctor and shared with another doctor. But fine.” She picked up the next file. “Huh. Sam’s older than I thought.”

“How old did you think he was?”

“I dunno…young enough to make it just a little weird? I mean, he said he was finishing his degree when the apocalypse hit.”

“Yeah, I think he took some time off.” Maxine was actually certain Sam had taken some time off, plus a gap year before starting school, but if he hadn’t shared that story with Jo yet it wasn’t her place to.

“That makes sense.” She frowned. “Wait…holy shit, is this right?”

“What?”

“This!” She pointed to the month and date. “August 23. That’s in a week.”

Maxine’s stomach dropped. She’d been so wrapped up in her work it hadn’t even occurred to her that Sam’s birthday was in August. And he was always so good at remembering to celebrate everyone else. “Oh no, you’re right. I’ve been so busy I completely forgot!”

“And I had no idea. Do you have anything planned?”

Maxine shook her head. “Not a thing. And obviously you don’t.”

“Well…we’d better get to work. I wonder if Janine’s feeling generous today…”

* * *

They were running out of ship.

Zoms were after them in all directions, cutting off all of their exits.

“Can’t jump in the water, we’re on a beach. Can’t jump down at all, we’re about a hundred feet above the rocks. We’re gonna die!” Jody wailed.

No, no, no. They were not going to die. Sam scanned the monitor, looking for the answer. It had to be there.

“Five, how much ammo do you have?”

“Not enough, Sam,” she said. The gun was drawn anyway, and she’d stepped in front of Three and Four, fully in protective mode, despite the increasing hopelessness of the situation.

“Zoms to the left of us, zoms to the right of us…” Simon muttered.

“Don’t finish that sentence!” Sam snapped.

“I was going to say, here I am, stuck in the middle –”

He cut Five off. “Or that one!”

“Well, the zoms we let out earlier have met up with the zoms we just let out!” Simon said. “Sam, Jody’s right. We’re running out of ship. Any bright ideas?”

“Uh…” he scanned the deck. “There are those lifeboats hanging over the deck.”

“Those are hardly going to be any use, even if they could get to them, Mr. Yao,” Janine said, sounding nervous herself. “As Runner Four pointed out, they’re on dry land, at least until the tide comes in.”

“No, but if they could like, release them? Drop them on the deck, in the zoms’ way, block their approach –”

“Nah, it’s too late Sam,” Simon replied. “We passed the release lever about thirty meters ago. It’s swarming with zoms now.”

Jody screamed. “They’re coming up from below deck! Look, up the stairs in front of us!”

Sam looked at the monitor, at the three frightened runners huddled together before the approaching horde. They were trusting him to get them out of there, and he didn’t know what to do. His heart was in his throat. His eyes lingered on Five, her arm out protectively in front of Four. _Think, Sam, think! There has to be something!_

“Um, Sam?” Simon’s voice was timid, entirely unlike himself. “We’re…we’re gonna die.”

Before Sam could process that, a rumbling started over the headset. Chains rattled, and the lifeboats crashed through the deck, just like he’d told them to do.

Bloody hell, why had they scared him like that?

“Holy – you did it! You dropped the lifeboats! Broke straight through the upper deck, squashed the zoms! Roll that one over and you’ll block more from coming up the stairs. Well done guys!”

Three and Four did what he said, but he didn’t miss how confused they looked. Five still had her gun drawn.

“We…we didn’t do that,” Simon said, dazed.

“We passed the lever thirty meters back, we said!” Jody concurred.

Five’s body snapped towards the upper deck, her weapon carefully aimed at something he couldn’t see.

Janine jabbed a finger at the monitor. “Who’s that figure on the upper deck? On the roof. I didn’t see her there before.”

Sam could hear footsteps echoing off the metal ship. Had it really been a trap all along?

Suddenly, Five holstered her gun, her face breaking into a relieved, incredulous smile. “Son of a bitch,” she breathed.

The figure stopped, now fully in view. It couldn’t be…

“Runner Three, Runner Five, Runner Four – nice to see you all again.”


	11. Jungle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for alcohol. Spoilers through S2M15

_When I heard the thunder, I could feel the rain.  
_ _It’s the same to me, just a different name._

_Won’t you follow me into the jungle?_

[ _Jungle – X Ambassadors_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSMY2CVjCZA)

Sara had come home.

After all of that, Sara had actually come home.

Jo took another sip of whiskey and tried to convince herself she wasn’t seeing things. Simon had cracked open a bottle of the good stuff for the impromptu “Welcome Home and Thanks for Not Being Dead” party – and it was damn good. The mess hall was crammed with bodies; everyone in Abel had come out for Sara’s return, though it was nothing compared to the scene when they’d first gotten in.

The entire runner corps had gathered by the gates, shoving past each other, craning their necks to see if it could actually be true: if, after almost three months, Runner Eight really was coming home alive and well. They had erupted in shrieks and applause and tears and immediately enveloped her when she’d gotten through the gates. It had been a scene of unbridled joy, and that had carried through to tonight.

The energy in the room was unlike anything Jo had seen since arriving in Abel almost six months ago. Sara’s absence had been felt by everyone, but having her back in the fold was what really highlighted was an essential part of the Township she was. Everyone was breathing just a little bit easier knowing she was home, Jo included, though her head was spinning at the same time.

Jo stepped outside and found a bench beyond the mess hall. The fresh air would help calm her racing mind.

“You alright, Johanna?”

The fresh air, and the fact that she knew Sam would come after her.

“I’m a little overwhelmed.”

He joined her on the bench. “Yeah. Yeah, I bet you are.”

She started talking, not bothering to get her thoughts in order first. Sam never minded listening while she sorted out her brain. “This was just…the last thing I expected. I was just starting to make peace with Sara’s death, and now she’s back. And don’t get me wrong, I would much rather she be alive, but…it’s just a lot to wrap my head around. I mean, I fully mourned her. I let myself feel all my feelings and accept that someone I cared about was really gone, and that grief still exists but I don’t know where it goes now.” She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block the stress tears that sprung up unbidden.

“You need a hug?”

She smiled. “From you? Literally always.”

Jo let herself sink into his embrace. Feelings aside, Sam really did give the best hugs. The way he locked his arms around you, it always felt like he meant it. She supposed that was because he did. The way Sam loved people was big and genuine. It was one of her favorite things about him, even if it was still something she was working to convince herself she deserved.

Sam pressed a kiss into her hair, and she felt her stomach dip.

That was new.

Jo was still absolutely certain she had to wait on Sam, for both their sakes, but if he was getting braver she was going to have to find a way to convince herself more quickly. For now, she just let her head rest against his shoulder.

He left an arm around her and gently ran his hand over the slight curve of her waist. Jo felt her heart rate pick up. Gentle, familiar moments like this were the ones she wanted to hold on to forever. She stayed perfectly still, willing the universe to leave them alone for just a damn minute.

“I know how much Eight meant to you,” he said. “I mean, she was your partner. And you worked so damned well together. I’ve been here pretty much since the beginning, and I never saw two runners better suited to working together. I can’t imagine what it was like to go without her. Sometimes it seemed like you were running without part of your kit. Like a missing piece, almost?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly it. And I had to figure out how to do all of this without that piece. And I did. I _can_ do this without her. But I still didn’t want to, and now I don’t have to? I…I don’t think I realized how important Sara was to me.”

“Now, Five, don’t go saying that in front of me. I’ll get a big head.”

Sara, backlit by the lights of the mess hall, had appeared in the doorway like an apparition.

How very appropriate.

“You mind giving us a minute, Sam? I promise I’ll have her back to you quickly.”

Sam untangled his arm and squeezed her shoulder. “No problem, Eight.” In the light, Jo caught the color of his cheeks for the first time. He’d been drinking. _That_ was why the added affection, not newfound courage.

God dammit.

He stopped next to Sara on his way back into the building. “Bloody hell. It really is you.”

Sara turned once he was safely inside. “I see you two are still dancing around each other.”

Jo shot her a withering look. The other woman chuckled. “That look doesn’t work on me, girl. Remember?”

Sara sat down and took a sip of her own drink, looking straight ahead. Jo stared at her. “You know what they say about pictures lasting longer, Five?”

“Yeah, but with a picture, I can’t do this.” She poked Sara’s cheek.

Sara swatted her hand. “Stop that.”

“Nope. That’s something you’re just going to have to deal with for a little while.”

Sara shook her head, but she smiled. “I suppose that’s fair enough. You have had quite a shock today.” She reached a finger under Jo’s collar to pull out her necklaces. “These new?”

Jo pulled them over her head so Sara could get a better look. “Not so much. They’re mine from back in the states. The Major returned them a couple of weeks ago. Apparently I should’ve gotten them back at Mullins.”

“Hm.” Sara took them, turning them over in her hands. “What are they?”

“This one was my brother’s – he played football, #22, hence the charm. And the dog tags belonged to my friend Di. She was a Marine before the outbreak, and she died saving my life.”

“Look at you talking about your past without going to pieces. I’m impressed, Five.”

“Well, someone with the very obnoxious habit of being able to see right through me once said I had to deal with my shit or it would keep forcing its way out. Taking her advice seemed like a good way to honor her after she died.”

“Good for you. I mean that. I thought something about you seemed different.” Sara patted her arm, which was about as much affection as you could expect from her. “I promise we’ll talk about all of this soon. You know how I feel about talking on the base – always too many ears. That never changes. And speaking of things that don’t change, I suppose you and I will be back on the road soon enough.”

“And I cannot wait.”

“Who’ve you been stuck with in my absence?”

“New Canton 20 when we run joint missions with them, but other than that, mostly Three.”

“My condolences.”

“Eh, Simon’s not so bad so long as you kick him once in a while and remind him who’s in charge.”

Sara laughed. “That’s my Five.” She held out her glass. “Here’s to us then. The Dream Team, back together at last.”

Jo clinked her glass against Sara’s and finally let herself feel some relief. Sara had come home. Somewhere in the chaos, there was a little more order tonight.

* * *

It wasn’t long before Abel needed Five and Eight back out on the road together. Sara had hardly gotten a day to settle back in before they’d put her on the schedule.

“You sure you’re up for this already?” Five asked. “I mean, they couldn’t give you just a little bit more time to rest?”

“I’m fine, Five, don’t fuss.”

With headcams and dog whistles, they headed out to meet the fast zoms. The doctor had a theory different sounds made the zoms respond in different ways, so they were off to experiment.

She and Five held a steady pace, their footsteps identical, just like they always were. Sara never liked to get too emotionally involved in her work, and especially not now, but she had missed this. She’d missed Five too, though she’d never admit it. And now that she was a strong runner and working to be a stronger person? The girl was going to be a damn marvel, no doubt about that.

“You and me, out on a run,” Sara said. “Just like old times, isn’t it Five?”

Five grinned. “Like old times and then some, Eight.”

“I never thought I’d see the day,” Sam said. “Well, mainly because you were…well, you know. Bitten by a zombie.”

“It was a dog,” Sara said. She supposed they’d need the story sooner or later. “A pack of them had been following the zoms around, scavenging their leavings, I suppose. When the zoms got me on the ground, a couple of those damn dogs attacked, and when I’d fought them all off, I saw I was bitten.”

Five furrowed her brow. “I don’t remember any dogs.”

“That’s because you were unconscious.”

“So it wasn’t a crawler in the grass?”

“Apparently not. I couldn’t be sure at the time. I spent five days heading down the coast, just waiting for the grey to take me. I kept one bullet in my gun. I thought when I started to feel it come, I’d do the decent thing, on the shore, so the tide would carry me away.”

“Yeah, that’s…yeah, that’s pretty horrible,” Sam said. Still as skittish as ever.

“It was peaceful, really. Thinking everything was over,” Sara countered. “Less peaceful when I realized it wasn’t going to happen, and I had one bullet in my gun, and a horde of zombies were descending on the beach.”

She really had spent days out at sea. That had been sort of peaceful. It reminded her of taking her boys to the seaside when they were growing up, the four of them getting to spend time without distractions and just be a family. Whenever things started to feel overwhelming, she’d gone back to the image of the boys splashing in the surf and the feeling of her husband’s arms around her as they watched them. It had been a long time since she’d let herself bask in those memories. It had been a comfort, knowing that even if things went to hell just then, her last thoughts would be of her family.

“So it wasn’t a zombie bite?” Sam confirmed. “It definitely wasn’t a zombie bite?”

She gave Five an amused look. Still skittish, and still prone to fussing. “Do I look grey to you, Five?” The other runner laughed.

“Perhaps it was the vaccine the Army gave you! Maybe it actually worked!” Maxine said.

“I wondered that, too. So I asked the ship’s doctor to inspect the bite. Definitely canine. You can take a look at the scar if you like. Took a chunk out of my thigh. Sorry, Doctor Myers. Don’t want to get your hopes up.”

Five had slowed down. “Wait, wait. I thought you said it was a scrape on your ankle, not a chunk out of your thigh.”

 _Damn,_ Sara thought. She had said her ankle, hadn’t she? She tried to brush her off. “Oh, you know me. Always downplaying my own injuries. I didn’t want you fussing over me, you had to get out of there.”

“Hm,” Five responded. She looked like she was thinking.

“What, Five, you’re suspicious?”

Five shook her head. “Not suspicious. It’s just…I’m still in shock, I guess. I mean, we mourned you, Sara. I think it’s going to take a little while for me to get used to the idea of you being alive.”

“Fair enough.”

“Jesus, where did they come from?” Sam exclaimed.

Sara turned. Five fast zoms were approaching from a side street. That would save her from any more questions, at least.

“Come on, Five! Death at our heels, only a slim chance of escape ahead – it really is like old times!”

More zoms joined the pack and tried to flank them. She and Five split up. Once the other runner was out of sight, Sara switched off her transmitter. She’d claim interference or something like that when Sam inevitably fussed at her later, but experimenting with the dog whistles wasn’t the only job she was out here to do today.

Sara eventually circled back to join the other runners in Abel. She hadn’t expected to have to dash off so quickly, but she supposed that was the way it worked now. Five was outside the comms shack, rolling her ankle and standing with NC 20 and a man she didn’t recognize. Runner 20 was holding a squirming puppy and giggling.

“You alright there, Five?”

“Eh, I’m fine. One of those fast zoms hit my bad ankle with a rock.”

Sara raised her eyebrows. “Zombies throw rocks now?”

“Yes,” Archie said. “The dog whistles made them throw stones at us. It is very interesting, although also painful. Hello, Runner Eight! It is good to see you are not dead. It made Five very sad, thinking you were dead. And this is my boyfriend, Jamie!”

Sara held out a hand for him to shake. “Runner Eight. Nice to meet you.”

The man squinted at her. “You all go by numbers here? That’s stupid.”

“Runners in the field do. Makes things less confusing.”

“Just in the field?” Five cut in. “Sara, you’ve never once used my real name.”

She shrugged. “Five suits you. Anyway, I hate to cut this short, but the Major needs to talk to Five and me. It was nice meeting you, Jamie. And good to see you again Archie.”

“And you! Maybe we can all get together sometime for a social visit. Wouldn’t that be fun?” Archie directed the question to the puppy.

“Oh! That reminds me,” Five said. She glanced back to the comms shack to make sure no one was listening. “Archie, Jamie…what are you two doing tomorrow night?”

“What’s tomorrow night?” Sara asked. “You lot had better not be using me as an excuse for another party.”

Five smiled. “No, no, nothing like that. I’ll fill you in later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, YOU already have a stomachache about writing the end of the season.


	12. Summer Summer Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like everyone could use some levity, both the Abel crew and all of us, so here's a chapter that is just that: happiness and celebration and friendship.
> 
> Content warning for alcohol use and a mildly suggestive conversation (aka Simon being a little shit)

_And we won’t come home until the morning glows,  
_ _So let your colors show;  
_ _We’ll love it if we let ourselves go._

[ _Summer Summer Night – Alan Doyle_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBIfPLl5COw)

Everyone was behaving strangely. There had only been a couple of morning supply runs, but there was three times as much paperwork as usual. No one had been by to visit the comms shack today, and any conversation he’d had was cut short for some reason or other.

Sam was 26 today. Not that anyone else seemed to know that.

Last year, Maxine had baked him a cake everyone shared at dinner, and some of the runners had brought back little gifts. It hadn’t been a big party or anything, but it was nice. He’d felt celebrated. This year, though, with everything so busy, he supposed people had forgotten.

Maxine was locking herself in the lab as much as 18 hours a day lately. When he’d tried to talk to her at breakfast this morning, she’d mumbled some apology and brushed past him. The runners that had gone out today had been a little curt. Five was off today, but she must’ve been covering for Maxine in the hospital because she wasn’t here with him. He was momentarily hurt that she’d forgotten his birthday before immediately realizing he’d never told her when it was.

Oddest of all was Janine. He’d tried to talk to her twice today, and both times she’d almost run in the opposite direction, saying something like “I cannot possibly be bothered to solve all of your problems for you, Mr. Yao!”

He’d just wanted to know if she had more red pens.

He thought maybe he had the date wrong. He didn’t always keep perfect track of the days, especially with so much going on. But then he’d confirmed it on Rofflenet: it was indeed August 23, his 26th birthday, and no one seemed to know it but him.

He blew his hair out of his eyes and he tried to complete a run report that needed to be done in triplicate for some reason. Janine stormed through the door, and he jumped out of his seat.

“Mr. Yao,” she barked. “The run report you turned in for Five and Eight’s encounter with those fast zombies is a disgrace. It’s hardly readable. You’ll have to redo it.”

Sam sighed. “Alright, fine, Janine, just leave it on the desk and I’ll get to it. I’m still working on today.”

“No, it will need to be redone at once. The Major wants anything to do with Van Ark on hand as soon as possible. You’ll have to come back to the farmhouse with me and do it now.”

Sam followed her out of the comms shack, but he was thoroughly baffled. “Janine, this is hardly the first time I’ve turned in a sloppy report. You cannot be serious.”

“Do I look not serious, Mr. Yao?”

“You look…sort of twitchy, honestly.” He followed her through the back door of the farmhouse. “Seriously, Janine, can this really not wait until –”

“SURPRISE!”

Sam was so startled by the sudden shouts that he leapt behind Janine. Half the Township was packed into the living room and adjacent dining room that Janine usually treated as off limits. The rustic décor had been plastered over with streamers and balloons, music was playing, there were tables of snacks and drinks, and was that a gift table in the corner?

“What the hell is going on?” he asked.

“Come on, Sam,” Maxine said. “You didn’t really think we forgot, did you?”

“Well, I…I mean, we’ve all been so busy and stressed, I just figured…”

“…that everyone needs a morale boost, and how better to get it than by celebrating our favorite operator?” Maxine threw her arms around him. “Happy birthday, Sam.”

“Oh my god, this is why you’ve all been so weird today!” He turned to Janine. “Especially you!”

Sam heard Jo laugh next to Maxine. “Janine was convinced she was going to blow it. Honestly, it was harder to convince her that she could pull off lying for thirty seconds than it was to let us use her house.”

“Well, you acted your part perfectly, Janine,” Sam said.

“ _That_ was not acting,” she replied. “When it comes to you and paperwork, I have a deep well from which to draw.” She turned back to the crowd. “Alright, everyone, I will reiterate the ground rules. You will stay on this floor, we have pushed curfew back to 11:00, not a minute later, and if anyone vomits in my home you will be cleaning the entire thing. Other than that, enjoy yourselves.”

“You heard the lady!” Jack called from the makeshift DJ station. “Let’s party!”

* * *

They’d done well. They’d done _so_ well.

Maxine clinked her glass against Jo’s and watched the party unfold. Eager runners had immediately pulled Sam onto the dance floor, backed by a soundtrack Jack and Eugene had curated especially for him. Maxine was too exhausted to dance, and Jo, who was still nursing a sore ankle from rock-throwing zombies, was happy to join her on the sidelines.

“We pulled it off,” Maxine said.

“We really did,” Jo agreed. “All while balancing research, running, hospital duties, and the very complicated emotions that come with a friend returning from the dead.”

“Speaking of, you think she’s ever going to join the party?” Maxine asked, indicating Runner Eight, who was standing on the staircase’s first landing with Janine.

“She’s done this at every party we’ve thrown. I’m pretty sure people watching is the party for her. Janine, on the other hand, is still drinking water and looks like a chaperone at a high school dance.”

Maxine giggled, already slightly tipsy. “Hey, did you feel really bad about ignoring Sam all day? I mean, I know it was part of the plan, but I felt soooo bad!”

“Ughh, me too,” Jo said. “I didn’t even see him until tonight. I felt awful pretending like I had no idea what day it was and haven’t been stockpiling Curly Wurlies for months. They were supposed to be his Christmas gift, though. I’ll have to find something else for then.”

“Or you could just go with a different gift tonight,” Simon said, appearing behind them.

Jo turned to him, a deadpan expression on her face. “I’m guessing you have a suggestion?”

Simon shrugged. “You could give him, I don’t know, that ass of yours?”

Maxine smacked his arm and yelled at him at the same moment that Jo said, “Only if it’s his idea.”

“Oho, so you’ve thought about it!” Simon taunted her.

Jo stared straight ahead. “I’m not saying ‘yes’ and I’m not saying ‘no,’ because ‘yes’ would be too honest…and ‘no’ would be a lie.”

Maxine shook her head, laughing. “Alright, alright, listen, you know I am 100% in favor of this happening, and I love Sam very much, and I do realize that I am a lesbian and in no way an authority on this subject, _but_ …” She looked over to where Sam was dancing both enthusiastically and uncoordinatedly. “Really? _That_ does it for you?”

Jo sighed and took a sip of her drink. “Apparently.”

* * *

Sam thought his heart may very well burst. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt quite as loved as he did tonight. He extracted himself from the throng of runners on the dance floor and headed for the refreshments. His status as the birthday boy meant his drink kept getting refilled, but he needed water.

He saw Jo and Maxine chatting a few feet away and knew he had the two of them to thank for this. He was pretty sure they were his two favorite people he’d ever met in his life, if admittedly in completely different ways. What were the odds he’d found them here, at the end of the world?

Before he could reach the dining room, something sprang at him and threw its arms around him.

“Happy birthday, Sam! Jamie and I have brought you a present!”

“Archie!” he exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

“I do not like to miss a party!” she replied. “And Runner Five was nice enough to invite us. She also found a way to sneak us past you so you would not suspect anything. She is very clever.”

“Some might say devious,” Jamie said, a hint of disdain in his voice. Sam tried not to let it ruin his mood. He really wasn’t sure where Jamie’s apparent distaste for Jo came from, especially when she’d been nice enough to invite him to a party.

“Anyway, mate, here. Ain’t got any wrapping paper at the station, but Arch insisted we had to bring you something.” He thrust two glass jars at him.

“Marmite! Thank you! That’s my favorite, how’d you know?”

“Five told us!” Archie said, confirming his suspicions. “And Jamie had some extra at the firehouse. It was fate.”

“Yeah, none of the kids will touch the stuff, so it’s all yours,” Jamie said.

“Who’s with the kids tonight?” Sam asked.

“Some bloke called Ed. Brought his daughter along. Five asked him to do it.”

Sam smiled, looking back to where Jo was still standing with Maxine.

No wonder the night was so perfect.

* * *

She didn’t want to admit it, but Runner Five had been absolutely right.

As Janine looked around her living room at the smiling, carefree faces enjoying a rare normal night, she was actually glad it was happening in her living room. 

Lately it felt like Van Ark was just far enough ahead that he couldn’t be caught. She was consumed by their inability to stop him. So when Five had first raised the idea of throwing Sam a birthday party, Janine had actually laughed at the suggestion and called it ludicrous.

To her surprise, Five had agreed with her and insisted that was exactly why they needed it. Morale was suffering. Impromptu celebrations like the night Sara had returned were all well and good, but this, she’d explained, was something everyone could plan together. They needed something to bind them that didn’t involve stopping a mad scientist or outliving the dead. And what better thing than throwing a party for someone as well-loved as Sam?

It had been a well-reasoned argument. And here they were. Now that Sara had convinced her to join the party while she kept an eye out for trouble, Janine could honestly say she was enjoying herself, even if the antics of the group she’d joined were a bit juvenile.

“Never have a I ever needed a game to drink like a teenager,” Five snarked.

“No, no, no,” Jack protested. “That doesn’t count! Come on, Five, do a real one!”

“Ohhh my god, fine,” she said. “Never have I ever…colored my hair.”

Janine tried to take a drink surreptitiously. No one needed to know about the pink streaks she’d sported in secondary school.

Sara and Jack also took a drink while Eugene grabbed a handful of Five’s curls. “Maybe this is the booze talking, but I almost feel like you could pull off the other extreme. Like super blonde, Eva Perón vibes.”

"Oh no, I'm no good as a blonde," Five answered, too quickly.

Simon's eyebrows disappeared under his bangs. "Uhh, did you not just say you’ve _never_ colored your hair?

“I did.”

“Then how do you know?

Five glared at him. “It was a wig.”

"Oh, don't tell me you've got a dark history as a cosplayer," Eugene said.

"Nah, not my thing."

"Then what?" Jack demanded.

"Seriously, Five, don't leave us hanging,” Sara agreed.

She sighed heavily. "Ugh, FINE...I played Val in _A Chorus Line_ my junior year of college, happy?”

Eugene clutched his hands to his chest. "Fucking ecstatic. Tell us everything."

"Wait, wait," Maxine cut in, "Val...that's “Dance Ten, Looks Three,” right? Aka -"

"Tits and ass??" Simon was positively gleeful.

"You know _A Chorus Line_?" Five retorted.

"Uh, yeah, enough to know that if you played Val we are definitely hosting a karaoke night so you can recreate that performance for us."

"Oh, no, Simon. That might literally kill Sam,” Maxine said, in a voice that she probably thought was subtle.

“Hang on,” Janine said, “How exactly did _you_ do a song about tits and ass? You certainly have the ass, but…” She trailed off when she realized everyone was gaping at her. She glanced down at her empty glass. “Oh dear, is that three already?”

Instead of being offended, Five seemed delighted at Janine’s unfiltered question. “Ok, I have _so_ many questions. But to answer yours, padded bra and contouring. That was nothing, the real trick was getting enough powder on my eyebrows to match the wig."

“Val in _A Chorus Line_ …” Jack said. “Five, are you a dancer?”

"I...might be a classically trained ballerina."

The group erupted, none more astonished than Simon. “All this time, I had no idea I was fighting zombies alongside the bloody Sugar Plum Fairy.”

“I did actually dance the Sugar Plum Fairy once.”

“I don’t know why you’re so astonished, Si,” Janine said, drink once again causing her to slip. “I myself did ballet as a girl. It’s probably part of why I am so disciplined. Although I attended an all-girls school and my height meant that I always danced roles that typically went to men.”

Five grabbed her arm. “Please tell me you were the literal Nutcracker.”

“No, no, I was Drosselmeyer.”

Five was grinning. “Amazing. I can totally see that.” She took a sip of her drink. “Wait, can we circle back for a second? Am I to understand that Three Drink Janine has no filter?”

“None whatsoever,” Sara concurred. “And if we let her get to four she’ll start taking appliances apart.”

“Sara!” Janine scolded. “There is no reason to reveal that sort of information.”

“Seriously, Eight,” Five agreed. “Not with all of the information we could be getting Janine to reveal.”

Janine shook her head. “I think I’ve had quite enough of this. I will be switching to water now.”

She walked away from the group as they groaned at her. She fought back a smile; this really was a fun night.

* * *

It was more than an hour into the party before Sam shook off the attention that came with being the star of the evening long enough to grab a moment alone with Jo. He found her leaning against a wall, fondly watching the crowd, and slipped an arm around her waist to pull her to his side.

“This was you, wasn’t it?”

She returned the gesture. “And Maxine.”

“Yeah, maybe, but only you could convince Janine to let us use her house. How exactly did you pull that off?”

“I simply explained how good this would be for morale.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “And?”

“…and I agreed to help her with that re-grouting project she has planned for the shower block.”

Sam looked mildly stunned. “You did that for me?”

“Of course I did. Although, I’m not going to lie, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to spend some time with Janine. I will befriend that woman, mark my words.”

“I take it naming a chicken after her didn’t work?”

“It did not. And I renamed the chicken Eloise, collecting eggs from ‘Janine’ felt too weird.”

Sam shuddered. “Oh yeah, you didn’t think that through. So the plan is what, annoy her into friendship?”

She shrugged. “It worked on you, didn’t it?”

“That’s not true.”

“Uh, we’re not friends, then? Ouch. After I threw you this party and everything.”

He squeezed her tighter. “Not that, you impossible woman. I’m saying that’s not how it happened.”

“You sure? Because I seem to distinctly remember stealing food off your plate after that night in the woods, and then you were stuck with me in your life.”

The conversation was taking a sincere turn. Jo was deflecting, and she knew it. She wasn’t sure whether she was more afraid Sam would start talking about his feelings or that he wouldn’t.

“ _You_ have a place in my life because you are not someone I would ever want to be without. Just because you’re you,” he said.

She looked up to find his eyes were already on her.

The way he looked at her – like she was the only person in the room and still more than enough – had become so familiar, but it still gave her butterflies. She had no doubt there was a similar look on her own face, because if anyone had asked, Sam _was_ the only person in the room.

 _Say it, Sam,_ she silently willed him. _Just say it. For both our sakes_.

“Oi, where’d the guest of honor get to anyway? There are gifts to open!” Jack called.

That quickly, the moment was ruined.

Sam stepped away from her. “I should probably…”

“Yeah,” Jo said nodding, “Go. Enjoy your night.” She stayed behind, silently cursing Jack.

Archie sidled up to her, clearly drunk. “You know, I never noticed it before because when we are running you are always so serious, with your weapons and your backpack, but you are so tiny!” she chirped, patting Jo on the head.

Jo swatted her hand away. “Oh, don’t do that, I just decided I like you.”

Archie laughed. “Now that is just silly. Of course you like me, we are a team! And we will get to run our super-secret mission soon!”

Jo affectionately rolled her eyes, watching Sam open whatever it was Jody had knit for him.

Archie leaned in conspiratorially. “He loves you, you know,” she said, a giggle in her voice.

Jo kept her eyes on Sam, too tipsy to keep from smiling. “Shut up, Archie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I firmly believe there is a De Luca Drunkenness Scale like the Santiago Drunkenness Scale from Brooklyn 99, and I will be fully fleshing it out.


	13. The Calling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for abduction, discussion of trauma, symptoms of panic, physical violence, and the first “onscreen” appearance of Professor Van Ark.
> 
> Bastard.
> 
> Spoilers through S2M16

_I see the clouds, they’re rollin’ in,  
_ _They hide the sun but not my sin.  
_ _The Judas kiss still on my lips  
_ _Can’t walk away from where I’ve been._

[ _The Calling – The Rigs_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNOC7XXp9yc)

Dread settled in the pit of Sam’s stomach. Everything had been going so well, but suddenly he was watching the mission fall apart in front of his eyes. His runners were in danger, and he had no idea what to do.

“Archie? Archie, you’re going to have to stop running. The zoms are at the door, it’s too late to get out. Just barricade yourself in, sit tight, and we’ll…we’ll find a way. We’ll get you out of there.” They would find a way. There was always a way.

_Not always_ , his memory reminded him. He shook the thought away.

Five couldn’t distract the zombies as they converged on the lab, but Archie didn’t seem concerned. She dutifully stayed at her task, gathering intel and finding a solution to their problem, even as the zombies clawed at the door.

He couldn’t leave her in there. Sam frantically tried several different whistle patterns, desperate to find the right one.

“Sam, could you do that off the mic, please?” Five snapped.

He barely heard her. “No, no, that’s not…” He tried another. “Yes, yes, that’s it! Try that, Five, try – that’s the tone controlling them now.”

She blew her whistle, but nothing happened. The zoms ignored her and kept heading towards Archie.

“Van Ark’s changed the pitch as well as the tone,” Maxine said. “They won’t respond to our dog whistles at all anymore.”

“So what? What do we do now? I am not leaving Archie to die, that is not happening.”

“Archie is taking care of herself, Sam,” she replied, sounding far more confident than he would’ve been in her shoes. He watched her through the headcam as she reworked the device and turned it on. It emitted a new tone now.

“Has it worked?” Archie asked, sounding like she knew damn well it had. “Tell me if my idea was so clever after all.”

It had. The zombies dropped, like puppets on cut strings. Five rushed to the door, and Sam watched the lines of muscle in her shoulders as she worked to clear it, ably dragging away bodies much larger than her own.

God, she was strong.

“Okay, Archie, we’re nearly there. Runner Five’s dragged four zoms clear of the doorway. You should be able to push it open and get out.” Sam felt himself exhale. It was going to be okay.

“And look – getting out safe is a priority,” Maxine said. “If you can grab any of that research -”

“I have all the research in my head. It’s very simple,” Archie replied. She started to explain how the tone boxes worked, though much of it went over Sam’s head, when the tone changed again. This time, however, it wasn’t Archie’s doing.

“Wait!” she said. “I have seen this pattern. I can reset it if I just pull out this chip, and -”

It was hard to describe the horror Sam felt as he watched the zoms begin to rise. The things towered over Five, and for a second, he was sure they were going to hurt her. Instead, they pushed past, through the door. Archie screamed, then they lost her transmission.

Major de Santa seized the mic. “Runner Five, get out now. That’s an order.”

“No, Runner Five won’t leave Archie!” Sam protested. “You can still – you can still reach her. They’re ignoring you, you can save her!”

But she didn’t move. She stayed frozen to the spot, eyes cast to the sky. Sam saw her shoulders tense before he heard the helicopter.

“Oh my god,” Maxine said in horror, “is that…”

“It’s Van Ark!” Sam confirmed. They watched as the zoms passed Archie up to him. Five wasn’t close enough to help her, but Sam wasn’t sure she could’ve acted even if she were.

Her jaw was set in that way it always was when she was starting to panic, and she was still in the same spot. This was the closest she’d been to a helicopter since her own.

This had been the plan all along, they realized. Van Ark had lured them here, or he’d found out about their plans, and he’d set them up. Of course he wanted Archie. Underneath her bubbly personality and habit of chasing chickens, she had a brilliant mind, one that would be invaluable to his work.

_Just like Paula’s_. Sam heard Maxine even though she didn’t say it out loud.

“Withdraw, Runner Five,” the Major ordered. “We are not losing you too.”

Archie had disappeared into the chopper. Sam clearly saw Van Ark smile through Five’s headcam.

“Thank you, Abel Runner, for delivering my package!” he called. “Hope you’re not offended that this is a flying visit, but you know how it is. Places to be, people to…question.”

It was like Five’s feet had sent roots into the earth beneath her. She did not move. Her hand hadn’t even gone to her gun.

Sam sighed. “Come home, Runner Five. You did everything you could.”

When she finally moved, Sam got a better look at her face and realized she was trying not to cry.

_Come home,_ he thought again. _Just come home_.

* * *

Van Ark had taken Archie. He’d taken Archie, and Jo had done nothing.

She was vaguely aware that Sam was still talking to her, trying to reassure her that it hadn’t been her fault, but none of his words were getting through the still-fading panic.

She couldn’t make her mouth form the words necessary to tell Sam that she didn’t blame herself, not really. There wasn’t anything for her to do; she’d been too far from the chopper, and even if she’d been closer, what was she supposed to do? Shoot at them? The way the chopper blades disturbed the air she would’ve been just as likely to hit Archie as anything else. And if Van Ark had turned the zombies on her? She could very well have been killed.

Archie’s abduction had not been her fault, and she wasn’t beating herself up over it.

She was, however, berating herself for letting the sound of a helicopter disable her once again.

Six months since the crash and she was no better than the day she and Sara had run their recovery mission. And she had no idea how to fix it. She wrote down every nightmare that even hinted of aircraft and could talk about it with just about anyone. Everyone knew about her crash, so it wasn’t one of those buried traumas she had trouble verbalizing. She’d talked about it with Sam, with Sara, Maxine, Simon, Jody – even Janine had asked her about it once when the sound of a distant chopper had shut her up mid-conversation. None of it seemed to help.

Logically, she knew the truth: trauma was an injury. It needed time to heal. Emotionally, she just kept picturing the moment her friend had been in trouble and she’d done nothing. Hopeless or not, she hadn’t even tried.

She thought back to the last moment she’d seen Archie before she’d entered the lab. Sam had been on edge, and Archie, like always, had reassured him.

_“Everything will be fine, Sam,”_ she’d said. “ _When we are together, there is nothing we can’t do. Right, Runner Five?”_

She’d reached a hand out to Jo, which she’d taken with a smile.

_“You and me, babe.”_ Then Archie had disappeared inside.

You and me. And Jo hadn’t even tried.

“Five? Five, can you please say something so I know you’re alright?”

Jo swallowed, hoping it would help her dry throat form words. “I’m alright, Sam,” she rasped.

“It wasn’t your fault. Please tell me you know that.”

“I know that,” she said.

“Good,” Sam replied. “The chopper then?”

She nodded, unable to answer.

Sam sighed. “I thought as much. Usually I’d say just come home, and I’ll make you some tea, but I don’t think anyone’s getting any downtime today.”

“Probably not.”

“You want me to get Runner Eight for you?”

Jo nodded. “That’s a good idea. We’ll probably be the ones going after Archie anyway.”

“Okay. I’ll radio for her.”

Sam was quiet for a couple of minutes before he spoke again.

“Hey, Jo?”

“Yeah, Sam?”

“That wasn’t your fault either. The chopper, I mean. These things take time. You’re doing the best you can, and it will get better, I promise. And I know you don’t believe me, but I’m going to keep reminding you until you do.”

She couldn’t answer him. He was right: she didn’t believe him. But she loved him for saying it anyway.

* * *

Abel had a mole. Sara was almost sure of it now.

Archie and Five had been lured into a trap, Runner Twenty’s capture a foregone conclusion before they’d even left the gates this morning. Van Ark knew exactly who was coming and when, and he’d been waiting for them. Someone must’ve told him exactly what to expect.

It killed her that she didn’t know who it was.

Five was only a couple of minutes out now. Sam had radioed for Sara to meet her at the gates; apparently, she’d frozen at the sound of a chopper again. That was a trauma she just couldn’t quite work through, and Sara knew how much it was bothering her. She’d need to talk her down before she was sent back out.

The gate siren sounded as Five returned, the last runner back. She was hardly through them before Jamie appeared and accosted her.

“What the hell, Five??” he demanded, stalking towards her. “You left Archie behind? What the hell is wrong with you? Who does that?”

To her credit, Five didn’t even flinch. She was still upset, but she hadn’t shut down. Whether or not she could see it, she _was_ making progress. Five put a hand against Jamie’s chest and locked her elbow, holding the much larger man away.

“Back off,” she ordered. “This was not my fault.”

“Yeah, sure it wasn’t,” he sneered. “Your partner gets taken out from under your nose and you’re not to blame. That bastard takes Arch and you just stand there like an idiot.”

Now it was time for Sara to get involved. She put herself between Jamie and Five. “I think that’s enough, Jamie,” she said. “Placing blame doesn’t do Archie any good.”

He ignored her. “You were supposed to be covering her. Keeping her safe. You failed, and now she’s gone.”

“OI!” a voice called, still a ways off.

Sara looked up. It was Runner Three, looking about as angry as Sara had ever seen him. He was heading right for Jamie, and if he made it, things were going to get ugly very fast.

She turned back to Jamie. “Walk away, Jamie. Take some time to cool off. We’ll get Archie back.”

He turned his eyes to her. “Who’s _we_? You really expect me to trust her to get anything done?”

Simon had closed the distance in no time, and he looked furious.

“This ain’t none of your business, Three,” Jamie said.

“Oh yeah? ‘cause from where I’m standing it looks like you’re attacking my friend. And that is my business.”

Simon took a step closer, and Jamie shoved him back. That was all it took. Simon swung, but Jamie ducked him, driving his head into the runner’s stomach. Sara seized him by his lowered shoulders, and Five tried to wedge herself between the two men as they grappled.

“Simon, _stop it_ ,” she said, using her shoulder to try and separate them. “This is not helping!”

“Enough, you two!” Sara grunted, still trying to drag Jamie back. She and Five were strong, but the men had size on their side.

_“What is the meaning of this?”_

The sound of their commander’s voice got everyone’s attention. Sara had never heard the Major sound quite so angry. Janine was close behind her, and Sara was surprised the force of her glare didn’t knock Simon on his ass. The three runners straightened, and Jamie shoved Simon away for good measure. Sara stepped between them before it could escalate again.

“We’re fighting amongst ourselves now?” the Major demanded. “Tell me, runners, what exactly do you think this accomplishes? How does this stop Van Ark or help Runner Twenty?”

Simon wiped his bleeding nose on the back of his hand. “Sorry, Major,” he mumbled.

“I think we just got a little hot,” Sara replied. “All better now. Right, boys?”

Three nodded. Jamie just spat on the ground. “I don’t answer to you,” he said.

The Major ignored him. “Five, Eight, come with us. We’ll need to discuss how best to retrieve Runner Twenty.”

“I’ve already got a plan,” Jamie said. “We get Archie back, whatever it takes.”

“That is certainly the goal,” the Major replied, “and we will find a method for accomplishing it.”

“No way,” Jamie said. “I’m not leavin’ this to you. If you’re goin’ after Archie I’m goin’ with you. You can’t stop me.”

The Major turned to him, unwilling to be intimidated by his anger or his demands. “I will take that under advisement, Skeet. Five, Eight, with me, please.”

* * *

“Absolutely not.” The runner was firm in her objection.

Janine pinched the bridge of her nose. “Runner Five, we have been through this from every angle. Mr. Skeet is insisting upon his involvement in the rescue plan, whether we want him there or not. Our best chance for a successful mission is to involve him, otherwise he becomes a wildcard.”

“He’s a wildcard either way!” Five shot back. “You saw him by the gates. He’s angry and emotional and he is not thinking clearly. I can’t trust that in the field. He gets one order he doesn’t agree with and we have no idea what he’ll do.”

“I’m afraid I have to agree with Five, Janine,” Sara said. Janine shot her an exasperated look. She really didn’t need both of them ganging up on her, not now. “Jamie has special skills, but he’s not trained for something like this. Let me go with her. He won’t like it now, but he’ll be just fine with it once we’ve brought Archie back safe and sound.”

“And what do you propose we do with him in the meantime, Sara? Tie him up so he can’t escape?”

“If we have to.”

Janine blinked at her. Sara was completely serious. Unbelievable.

“Or at the very least, let me go with them. That way Five’s not stuck dealing with him on her own.”

“I’m afraid the plans are already set,” Janine said. “Five and Mr. Skeet will head towards Runner Twenty’s last known position with the transponders and triangulate her location from there. If we do this right, we can rescue Runner Twenty and locate one of Van Ark’s bases.”

“Sending Jamie isn’t doing this right,” Five insisted. “He’s too emotionally involved. We cannot send him. He’s being unreasonable.”

“And how would you be, Runner Five, if it were someone you loved? While I hope you will never be in this position –”

“If I ever am in this position, I want you to hold me to this.” Five exhaled, and something in her face softened. “Janine. You know I’m right.”

She and Five stared at each other for a long moment. Janine was not going to go against the Major, but there was a tiny whisper in the back of her mind that warned her she should listen to Five.

“Nevertheless,” Janine said finally, “these are the Major’s orders. They will be carried out. Runner Five, report to the gates. You have a job to do.”


	14. Let It Be Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: this is a heavy chapter. Blood and gore, torture, canon character death...it's Dark and Long, y'all, you know what's coming.
> 
> Spoilers through S2M18

_That’s when you need someone,  
_ _Someone that you can call  
_ _When all your faith is gone,  
_ _It feels like you can’t go on._

_Let it be me._

[ _Let It Be Me – Ray LaMontagne_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzavsRSpuXc)

“This is an extraordinarily bad idea.”

“How??” Jamie demanded.

“Tactically? Rationally? Pick your favorite, man.”

Jo took a deep breath before continuing. Jamie was doing exactly what she’d feared.

“Listen: I agreed when you were talking about incendiaries that could be mistaken for an electrical fire. But the second we set off _those_ charges, Van Ark will know we’re here. That’s one thing when we have reinforcements surrounding this place, but New Canton is too far out, they won’t reach us in time. And yes, he might just retreat, or maybe he’ll take Archie with him, or decide to cut his losses, and then we have nothing. No Van Ark, no Paula, no Archie, nothing.”

Jamie ignored her and kept setting the charges. “Jamie, will you please listen to me? We just need a few more minutes, and –”

“And what?” Jamie said, rounding on her. “You know how much more he can hurt her in just a few minutes? You’re ok with Arch getting hurt?”

She took another deep breath. How _dare_ he? She’d known Archie longer than him, and he dared suggest that listening to her scream while Van Ark tortured her hadn’t shattered her heart?

“Of course I don’t _want_ her to get hurt, but she can survive hurt. As long as he thinks they’re alone in there, he keeps her alive.”

As if on cue, Archie’s voice came over the headset. “They have…a plan…” she said slowly.

Jo pointed to her headset. “Listen to her, Jamie; she’s stalling, she’s buying us the time we need to carry out an actual plan. You blow this wall and run in half-cocked and we lose every tactical advantage we have.”

“I don’t care. I’m getting her out.”

Static on the headset.

“Get your ass over here, Five! Two more seconds and it all goes –”

_Boom._

Icy dread snaked through Jo’s veins. They had seconds now, not minutes.

The wall came down, just as Jamie planned. “Alright, we’re going in.” He coughed. “It’s smoky, but it don’t matter. Won’t kill us. It’ll confuse them.”

_If we’re lucky_ , she thought. _If we’re not, they’ll panic._

Paula and Van Ark were arguing over the headset. He figured the charges were a rescue mission, just like she’d predicted. Archie had been knocked out in the explosion. From what she could tell, Paula was trying to help. Van Ark wanted to cut his losses.

Just like she’d predicted.

She and Jamie weaved through the smoky halls.

“Come on, Five! We can stop this!”

They were sprinting as fast as they could through the unfamiliar turns.

“We’ve got to stop this!”

Her body was still trying to get there in time. Her mind knew it was over.

They weren’t even in the right fucking building.

Two gunshots.

Jamie stopped dead in front of her. “No…”

Jo closed her eyes, ears ringing, stomach rolling. It had been over the second they set off those charges. Her vision started to darken.

They heard the helicopter depart as they made their way to the room where Archie had been held. Jamie’s eyes had gone hollow. Jo would have to take care of things. She forced her mind to drown out the sound of the chopper. She couldn’t shut down, not again.

“You stay here,” she ordered, unholstering her gun. “I’ll sweep the room first.”

“Like hell,” Jamie started to protest.

“ _I said stay here!”_ she roared. His impulsiveness had done enough for one day. She stepped inside.

Archie was tied to a chair with her arms bound behind her, head dropped to her chest.

“Archie?” Jo called, uselessly. Between the blood dripping on the floor and the spatter on the wall behind her, it was obvious she was dead. She crossed to her deceased friend and gently lifted her chin.

Archie’s joyful face was ruined, a gaping hole blown through it. Bile rose in her throat. “Oh god,” she whispered.

“Runner Five?” Janine asked. Sam and Maxine were silent.

“She’s dead,” she replied, gently releasing Archie’s face. “Two shots. One to the head, one to the heart.”

She heard Jamie come in behind her just then. He froze in the doorway and dropped to his knees, a howl escaping his throat. She crossed back to him quickly, ripping off his headset and muting her own. He sounded inhuman, the noise coming from somewhere primal. It was the sound of something breaking, something that would never be the same again. It was a sound she knew well.

The others didn’t need to hear.

It was hours before she made it back to Abel. When New Canton arrived, Jamie had become possessive, unwilling to let anyone else touch Archie’s body, including Jo. She didn’t try to fight him; he was past reason. Someone radioed for a Jeep, and Jamie was convinced to let them take her back to New Canton. He wouldn’t have to leave her body, he wouldn’t even have to put her down; he just had to go with them.

Jo refused their offer to stay the night in New Canton. She didn’t care that she’d have to make her way back to Abel on foot in the growing darkness; she just wanted to be home, to sleep in her own bed and maybe turn her brain off for a little while.

Duty had other plans.

After guiding her home, Janine met her at the gate. Jo looked around, hoping Sam was with her, but he wasn’t. He was really the only person she wanted to be around right now, though his voice had disappeared hours ago.

“Once you’ve cleaned up the Major wants to debrief in the farmhouse.”

Jo nodded. She could forgive Janine’s brevity when she combined it with the circles under the woman’s eyes. This had been a massive loss for everyone. She wondered if anyone had bothered to check on Maxine.

She followed instructions, showering quickly and making her way back to the farmhouse. Janine and the Major were in the kitchen along with Runners Seven and Eight. There were documents on the island, but she couldn’t be bothered to look at them. She just wanted this to be over.

“Runner Five,” the Major greeted her. “thank you for joining us. I’ll try to keep this brief, as I’m sure you need to rest, but it’s best to go over events when they’re freshest in our minds, and we want your input on where today went wrong. De Luca?”

Janine took over. “Obviously, today was a massive failure, on multiple fronts. We’ve lost Van Ark, that facility will be abandoned, we weren’t able to rescue Runner 20 or Dr. Cohen, we don’t know where he’s gone or what he’s planning…in any case, we thought it would be important to hear from someone on the ground where we failed tactically.”

Jo kept her eyes on the counter. Janine knew damn well where they’d gone wrong. She knew because Jo had warned her, over and over, that their plan had been a bad one.

“Five,” Sara cut in, placing a hand on Jo’s arm. “You’re exhausted. We know. So don’t think too hard. What went wrong today?”

There was understanding in Sara’s eyes. She knew as well as Jo did that they’d screwed up by sending Jamie.

“It was a personnel problem,” she said finally. “We never should’ve sent out an untested runner on a mission like this, let alone someone that emotionally invested. It should’ve been someone with more experience, someone who cared about Archie and wanted to bring her home but who wouldn’t let that cloud their judgment, someone like Runner Three or Eight or –” 

_Runner 20._ She almost said Runner 20.

Archie would’ve been perfect on this mission. Caring enough to be invested, disciplined enough to take orders, smart enough to have ideas.

Jo shut her eyes and sighed. “I have had a really long and really terrible day. So with respect, Major, please let me go.”

* * *

Sam had stumbled from the comms shack in a daze. The mission was a jumble of explosions and screaming and gunshots.

Archie had died. He hadn’t gotten his runners to her in time, and she had died.

He didn’t realize where his legs were taking him until he was outside Five’s quarters. She wasn’t back yet. He knew that. Leaning against the door, he slid to the ground and sat there, staring at the wall.

He hadn’t seen her since everyone had gone out this morning; she’d been swept up in the rescue plans after she’d returned. They hadn’t even gotten to talk through the incident with the chopper before she’d been redeployed, looking tense and unhappy.

And now this.

Sam didn’t know how to fix the sharp ache in his chest, but he knew he wanted to be with Jo.

It was unclear how long he sat there before she came back.

“Sam?”

He looked up at her exhausted face but couldn’t say anything. What was there to say? She reached out her hands and pulled him to his feet.

“Come on,” she said, opening the door. “I need to sleep. And so do you.”

He followed her inside and sat down on the bed. He watched her put down her pack and undo her hair. He wanted to say something, to ask how she was, or what she needed, to tell her how he felt before he lost her like Jamie lost Archie, but all that came out was –

“I’m so sorry.”

Jo froze, meeting his eyes in the small mirror. He couldn’t read her expression, but he could tell she’d caught his meaning immediately. She sat next to him on the bed, taking his face in her hands. Her grip was firm, and there was a ferocity in her eyes usually reserved for the field.

“Sam, listen to me. What happened today was not your fault. You did not do this.” He started to turn away from her. “Hey! Look at me.” He did. “Van Ark killed Archie. No one and nothing else, least of all you. Do you hear me?”

She looked at him with such intensity that he almost believed her. But he couldn’t, and she knew it. He started to cry. Her expression fractured, barely holding back tears of her own. “Sam…"

The dam had broken, and all the tears it had been holding back came in a flood.

Jo wrapped her arms around him, letting him sob against her shoulder. They stayed like that for a moment, then she shifted, pulling him backwards onto the bed. His face was pressed to her chest now, his tears soaking a wet spot in her shirt. She didn’t seem to mind. She held him tight, one hand rubbing his back while the other stroked his hair. She didn’t say anything; she just let him cry.

That just made him cry harder. She’d had an infinitely worse day than him. He’d caught the look she had in her eyes when she first got back to the dorms, before she’d realized he was there and managed her features. It was a look that said that yes, today was terrible, but it was also par for the course, that she’d seen worse and would again. It was heartbreak and resignation all rolled together. Yet here she was, comforting him, putting her own needs to the side as she so often did. As defeated as she had to be feeling, he was the priority.

There was no use trying to hold it back anymore. He loved her. It was as all-consuming as anything he’d ever felt.

And this? The way she was holding him, keeping him safe?

This felt like love too.

* * *

Few things had broken Jo’s heart like the sound of Sam sobbing. They’d been noisy, choking sobs that came from deep within him, drawing from all the tragedy and loss he’d ever felt. She knew he was crying for more than just Archie. It was at least an hour before he quieted.

His sleeping face was buried against her neck, slick with snot and tears. He’d come completely undone.

Taking care of Sam let her put her own distress on the shelf for a minute. She traced slow circles on his back and rested her face against his hair, which was damp with sweat, inhaling the scent of shampoo and the sharpness of pain.

Her demons sat perched at the edge of her consciousness, waiting to charge into a nightmare. She couldn’t hold them off forever. She needed to sleep. Nothing would be better in the morning, but at least there would be light. Sleeping was always easier next to Sam anyway.

As she tried to drift off, a drunken voice carried down the hall of the runners’ quarters.

“When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what would I be…”

Simon. It was so like him to cause a scene now. Drunk and singing and likely to wake Sam.

“Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me…”

Jo untangled herself from Sam as gently as possible, leaving him sleeping as she crept towards the door.

“QUE SERÁ, SERÁ! WHATEVER WILL BE WILL-“

“SIMON,” she hissed, hushed voice carrying nonetheless. Simon stopped and clumsily pivoted towards her, confused.

“Sam just stopped sobbing long enough to fall asleep, and if you wake him up I will kick your testicles back up into your body!”

Simon started to protest. “Ah, Five…”

“See if I won’t!”

She held his gaze. The guilt in his eyes wasn’t enough to soften her. Sure, he’d been Archie’s friend, but how dare her challenge her and threaten Sam’s comfort right now?

Between the threat of her body language and the intensity in her eyes, Simon was compelled to back off. He slunk back to his quarters, muttering.

She inched back into her room, praying Sam was still asleep. He’d rolled to face the wall, but other than that, he looked undisturbed. She slipped into the bed next to him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and pressed her face between his shoulder blades.

Every little noise set her on edge; sleep still wouldn’t come.

It could’ve been minutes or hours before the soft rap on the door. Honestly, what the hell was wrong with people? Hadn’t today been hard enough without them bothering her, needing something from her –

It was Maxine. Her anger evaporated.

“Hey,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t find Sam, and I thought he might be here.”

Jo joined her in the hall, gently closing the door. “He is. He’s asleep.”

“Is he alright?”

“Is anyone?” She’d meant it to sound deflective, but her voice broke instead, lower lip trembling to keep in a sob. It didn’t work.

“Oh, Jo,” Maxine said softly, pulling her into a hug.

“It didn’t need to happen, Max. Everything went wrong.”

The two women cried together for a moment, the healers choosing to bind their own wounds for a change. Jo pulled back suddenly, wiping her eyes.

“Shit, Maxine, I haven’t even asked how you are.”

Maxine put a hand up to stop her. “Not yet. I can’t…if I start with that I’ll drown. I just wanted to check on Sam for now. I’ll get Janine to put you both on furlough for a couple of days. Take care of him, ok?”

Jo squeezed her hand. “I will.”

She squeezed back. “You always do.”

Jo glanced back at the door. She hoped her friend was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand exhale. Jesus.
> 
> I have had this chapter written for literal months because it's such an important 5am moment, but goddamn Archie's death hurts every time.
> 
> Anyway. Thank you for reading. I love you all.


	15. Keep Breathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hello, everyone! Miss me? Because I'm pretty sure this is the longest I've gone between chapters in all of Sigh No More. The middle scene was tricky.
> 
> Content warning for a nightmare, memories of being drugged including discussion of an IV.

_All that I know is I’m breathing,  
_ _All I can do is keep breathing,  
_ _All we can do is keep breathing._

[ _Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Svfd999aej8)

Sam didn’t wake up again until the next morning. He’d slept something like 12 hours, but he was still exhausted. It took a moment to pry open his puffy eyes. His cheeks were stiff with salt where the tears had dried. Put all of that together, and he immediately remembered where he was and why. He didn’t even get the reprieve of being half-asleep before the guilt over Archie flooded his system.

He reached out but found the bed next to him empty. He sat up and looked around, blinking. It was definitely Jo’s room, but she wasn’t here. The last comforting thought he’d had before falling asleep was that at least he was going to wake up next to her.

But he hadn’t.

He took in his surroundings to avoid getting upset about being alone. The room was spare, the same bed and small chest of drawers all the runners had, but she’d made it her own. A basket sat to the right of the drawers for dirty clothes. She had a mirror on the dresser and had tacked some Polaroids around it. He spotted one of her with Maggie and Jody that almost brought on a fresh wave of tears. Stacks of books lined the wall to the left of the drawers, neatly arranged by color. Her pack was dutifully waiting by the door, ever-ready for the next mission, just like she was.

He thought about the stark contrast between her quarters and his, order even in her multiplying book collection where his room had almost none. He had a very bad habit of leaving his laundry around, clean or dirty, where here everything was either in a drawer or in the basket. Everything, that was, except his black hoodie that she kept hanging from the headboard of her bed. It was the one thing she left easy access to. He smiled at that.

The door opened, and Sam breathed a sigh of relief. She was back.

“Hey, sorry. I thought I could get back before you woke up. I got us some breakfast.” She turned so he could see the laptop under her arm. “I also stole this out of your room. Maxine put us both on medical furlough, so I figured we could just watch _The Simpsons_ all day.”

“That sounds like a really good plan,” he said, taking the mug from her outstretched hand. She poured some tea from a thermos and handed him one of the leftover cupcakes from his birthday.

“We’re having cupcakes for breakfast?”

She joined him on the bed. “Yes we are. And I grabbed us plenty of snacks for later so we won’t have to leave again, because I don’t really feel like seeing anyone who isn’t you right now.”

Sam put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. He leaned his head against hers. “You get any sleep last night?”

“Not really.”

“I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “Not your fault. I wouldn’t have anyway.”

“Would it be stupid to ask how you are?”

“No, that’s never stupid. And I’m…mostly tired, I guess. Like existentially tired. And don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking devastated that Archie is dead, and probably will be even more when I’m out in the field and it really hits me that she isn’t there, I just…” she sighed. “It’s so much. All the time. I just need a fucking break.”

Sam drew his arm more tightly around her. “Yeah, you do. You really do.”

She leaned into him. “We both do.”

They stayed like that for a minute before she sat up abruptly and wiped her eyes. “Which is why I have decided that if the universe is not going to give us a break, I am going to create one. I am turning my brain off for the day and dealing with nothing but you, and cupcakes, and Homer Simpson’s antics.”

He turned to look at her, staring into her green eyes that she hadn’t quite blinked all the tears out of. She spoke of taking a break with such certainty, but her eyes gave her away. She looked so tired and so hurt.

He realized, with a bit of surprise, that he counted as a piece of her, not the world she wanted to shut out. Even when she wanted no one else, she wanted him. They were their own little world right here, a nation of two. It was a complicated feeling, reconciling that knowledge with his own uncertainty and both of their grief. Sam could admit he was the last to know what was going on in situations like this, but even to him, this had started feeling more like a partnership than a friendship.

Her face was so close to his. It would be so easy to lean in, to give in.

But then he remembered the tears in her eyes.

It would be wrong to make a move now.

Wouldn’t it?

They ate the rest of their breakfast without talking, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It just was.

The runner dorms were silent but for the occasional sound of doors closing. A heaviness had settled on the Township; you could feel it, even from the confines of the tiny room. It was somehow worse than when Abel lost one of its own runners. It didn’t matter that she’d been New Canton’s; Archie had been universally adored, a spot of rare brightness in dark days. Between that and the circumstances of her death, it would be a while before anyone felt right again.

Jo set their empty mugs on the floor and picked up the laptop. “Alright, what are we starting with? I think we’ve already run through all the Sideshow Bob episodes we have.”

“Hm. Treehouse of Horror?”

“Let’s save those for Halloween. ‘Selma’s Choice?’ That’s a classic.”

“Perfect."

She set the laptop on the bed next to her and turned on her side. “Can you see?”

“Uh…almost, I just…” For some reason, he was suddenly hesitant to get as close to her as usual. Something kept him from invading her space, and he wasn’t exactly sure –

_“Sam,_ ” she scolded.

“Right, sorry.” He found a spot on the pillow next to her, splaying his left arm above them so it wouldn’t fall asleep. He tucked his other arm around her shoulders, his hand landing just under her chin. He ran his thumb gently along her jawline. She responded by laying a hand on his arm and tracing her fingers over the veins in his wrist.

The touch was completely innocent yet unbearably intimate at the same time. His stomach flipped, heat rising in his cheeks. He was sure she could feel his heart pounding against her back. He forced himself to focus on the episode, lest his body betray him.

Mindless cartoons were about as good as escapism got, but they were nowhere near as healing as feeling her laugh and knowing she was forgetting her pain for a moment. She’d taken care of him so well last night; he hoped he could do the same for her.

She was quiet by the time the episode ended.

“Alright, what do you think? ‘Marge vs. the Monorail’ next? Jo?” She didn’t answer him. Her breathing was even. “Johanna?” he whispered.

She’d fallen asleep. Sam was relieved; she needed rest. He pressed his lips against her temple, softly thinking the words he couldn’t say.

_I love you_.

* * *

“Did that thing offend you personally?” Runner Eight called.

Simon stopped and dropped his hands with an exasperated sigh. He was just back from one of his long runs, which he’d hoped would help clear his head. Instead, it had left him with more questions and more anger, so here he was, beating his feelings into the punching bag. The last thing he needed was Eight and her quips.

“What do you want, Eight?” he asked without turning to face her.

“I was just heading back from lunch when I heard you over here. Thought I’d make sure you’re alright.”

“Oh, I’m fine,” he said, throwing another punch. “Bloody peachy, in fact. No need to worry about old Simon.” He punched again. “I’m surprised you’re not busy hovering over your little pet project. I didn’t realize we got medical furlough for bein’ sad.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sara cross her arms and cock an eyebrow. She’d never admit it, but she didn’t like it when someone insulted Five. She cared about her far more than she let on.

“Well that’s a hell of a way to talk about someone who’s supposed to be your friend,” she said drily. “But Five’s fine. She’s got Sam to keep her company.”

Simon laughed derisively. “Yeah. Of course she does. I heard he got furlough too. Guess we’re rewarding him for being shit as his job then.” He threw a sloppy combination into the bag and swore under his breath. The _actual_ last thing he needed was Eight tutting about his form. “Well, maybe those two are finally havin’ a go at each other.”

“Not sure you’ve got the right idea there, Three,” Sara said. “I take it you didn’t hear the way Sam was crying last night.”

“Must’ve missed that part of the evening, but I’m glad to hear it. He ought to be crying after what he did.”

He could feel Eight’s eyes, cool and calculating, on the back of his head. When she spoke again, her voice was softer but sharp.

“It’s not like you to be cruel, Simon.”

_Simon_. He felt a slight chill go through him. Eight didn’t use first names often, and it didn’t bode well that she had. There was a line when it came to Eight and how much bullshit she’d tolerate. He had a feeling that if he looked back it would be behind him.

He couldn’t stop pressing his luck though. He was just too angry. “Yeah, well, it’s not like Sam to get people killed, so I guess we’re all out of our comfort zones.” Another combination, cleaner this time.

“That wasn’t his fault and you know it. And don’t let Five hear you say that, or it’ll be your head.”

He didn’t answer that, because he knew she was right. One word against Sam in front of Five and she’d knock him on his ass fast as he could blink.

“Unless, of course, that’s what you want,” she said.

Simon finally stopped and turned to look at her. “And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

She was scrutinizing his expression, her eyes narrowed and wary. “That’s what I’m trying to work out. Hitting something else clearly isn’t working for you, so maybe if someone hits you back you think some of the guilt will get knocked out.”

He laughed at her. “What the hell do I have to be guilty about? I wasn’t there, not when Sam got her killed, and not when Five let her get taken.”

He couldn’t make himself say the dead runner’s name.

Eight ignored his dig at Five this time. “Maybe that’s just it. Your friend died, and there’s nothing you could’ve done, so you’re all out of sorts.”

“Oh, fuck off, Eight. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” He fixed her with a glare he hoped was intimidating.

Instead, she laughed. “You know, the last time I had a conversation like this, it was with Five. And she’s a lot scarier than you.”

He held Eight’s amused gaze for a few moments before turning back to the bag. “Yeah, yeah, we all know you like Five best. No need to remind me. Not like I’d want you working out your unresolved mothering instincts on me anyway.”

Before he knew what was happening, Eight seized his collar and yanked until his face was only an inch from hers. There was a fire in her eyes that hadn’t been there a second ago. He swallowed. Too far.

“Watch yourself, Three,” she said softly. “Don’t go saying things you don’t mean, and I won’t go doing anything I’ll regret.”

She released him and walked away, apparently no longer concerned for how he was feeling. Simon turned back to the punching bag and found he could no longer hit quite as hard with his hands shaking.

* * *

_Everything was too heavy._

_Her limbs, her hands, her eyelids. It was all too heavy._

_Even the voices that floated around her sounded heavy, with words full of cement, plummeting from mouths to the ground before they could all be heard._

_“…even now? I did what…brought you one of each…an A and a B.”_

_That voice…a woman’s…she knew it, but she didn’t know why…_

_“…not mine to make. We’ll speak to…see if she’s satisfied with your work.”_

_A man this time. She didn’t recognize his voice._

_She felt it then, the sting in the crook of her arm. An IV. That’s why she was weighed down – they were pumping her full of something. Keeping her quiet. Docile. And there was fluid leaking on her arm. The line had detached from the catheter. She wasn’t supposed to be waking up. Whoever had placed the IV had no idea what they were doing. A poorly placed IV could kill her._

_The steady beeping of a heart rate monitor told her she was ok. For now._

_Her memories floated in slowly as if carried on the breeze, and she felt sick as she remembered how she’d gotten here. The whir of helicopter blades drowned out her thoughts as panic pricked her skin from head to toe. Her brain ordered her limbs to move, but her body never got the message. She wanted to scream, but she had no voice at all. She could even move her lips._

_The beeping got faster. Probably too fast._

_A shadow blocked out the light coming through her closed eyes._

_“God dammit,” the male voice said. “Which of you idiots knocked her IV loose?”_

_A familiar cold rushed into her vein and she tasted something metallic as the sedative went back to work. Everything grew fuzzy. She tried to fight it, but something was pinning her, holding her down..._

Jo’s eyes snapped open. The scream in her throat died at the very last second as the realized the only thing holding her was Sam, fast asleep with his arms around her.

She turned to face him, as gently as she could while trembling as hard as she was. Sam had somehow slept through the whole thing. That was good, at least. So many of her dreams were loud and violent. Sara had been forced to rush in to her room in the middle of the night to wake her more than once. Thank god Sam’s quarters were so far from hers. It would terrify him to see her like that. It was no small miracle he’d managed to miss it today too.

Sleep paralysis was awful, but it was better than accidentally whacking Sam in her sleep. And that nightmare…

Had it been a memory?

In seven months she hadn’t remembered anything between the cabin and waking up at Mullins. She’d always attributed it to the alcohol, assuming she’d blacked out. But if she’d been drugged…

She took a shaky breath. Her heart was still racing, and she was drenched in a cold sweat, but she felt the slightest bit of triumph blooming. There were more answers in her head than she thought.

The light coming through the window said it was somewhere in the late afternoon. She’d slept the entire day away. She wondered if she could slip out and find Sara to tell her what she’d remembered before Sam woke up. She hated the thought of him waking up alone again, but…

As if on cue, Sam shifted in his sleep and unconsciously pulled her closer.

That was her answer.

She let herself settle against him, tucking her face against his neck. She’d have time to talk to Sara later. For now, it could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Simon's guilt is so much fun to play with, and I am *not* done with it. Thanks for reading!


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